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NEWS

Your CPAC flask

A slightly debauched survival guide for the Conservative Political Action Conference

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3 p.m.: Panel discussion

Or is it. This little doozy, titled “Our Enduring Values – Faith, Family & Freedom: Should There Be a Truce on Social Issues in 2012?” should probably come with a warning sticker that basically just says, “no!” First of all, that “truce” was promised two years ago in the midterms and resulted in a staggering amount of social warfare from conservatives. Second, John Stemberger of the Florida Family Policy Council is moderating. He will shut you down if you don’t utter the word “faggot” at least once. In other words, if you want your whiskey anger to kick back in, make sure to get there early.

3:45 – 4:45 p.m.: Panel discussions

In one room, we have Florida Senate President Mike “rodent” Haridopolos, Florida Attorney General Pam “Barbie” Bondi and former Attorney General Bill (horse!) McCollum handwringing about health care reform that they all have publicly and litigiously opposed, so there will probably be a lot for them to talk about. In another room, it’s all about recruiting the kids currently suffering from an “Obama hangover.” Your own hangover should be kicking in about now. Maybe it’s time for a nap in some hidden convention corner? Just don’t make any noise.

4 p.m.: Luis Fortuño, Puerto Rico Governor

Can we haz Latinoz??? Zzzzzz.

4:15 p.m.: Jennifer Carroll, Florida Lt. Governor

This is how you get ahead by doing nothing.

4:30 p.m.: Results announcement

Oh my God. This is what you’ve been waiting for all day, right? You’ve endured the stuttering speeches, the indoctrination, the pantomime of debate. Now is the time when it all comes to a head. You’re just getting you’re second wind. You’re about to know just which one of these heads that talk things from their mouths is going to be your next leader! Wait, what’s that? It’s the Senate straw poll? LeMieux. Le sigh.

4:45 p.m.: Panel discussion

All that adrenaline you’ve just wasted on anticipation should find a home here. This is the “Lightning Round! Politics and Punditry from Washington to Orlando.” Hmm, but it’s the Heritage Foundation shuffling its moneyed feet while Bill Kristol whistles along, you say? Is it possible that a lightning round can actually involve a lightning strike?

5:45 p.m.: Ann Coulter, bestselling author and conservative pundit

Everyone’s favorite hat-rack-with-a-wig storms the proceedings with her evenhanded political schtick, just in time to bring this charade to a (near) close. Earlier this year at the real CPAC in Washington, D.C., Coulter laugh-tracked her way through assaults on Democratic Party foreign policy (“It’s a mistake to ask those who don’t even like democracy to defend it”) and health care reform (“[Pres. Obama] turned over our entire health care system to the Department of Motor Vehicles”). See, she just says stuff. People love this shit. She’s available for both gay weddings and Klan meetings. Coulter’s versatile like that.

6:15 p.m.: CPAC FL Closing

What? It’s over already? You should have known that Coulter was the orgasm of the CPAC roller coaster – that last loopy-loop before the inevitable braking. And here we have Cardenas back to bid us adieu. That is, unless you’re a platinum member. Then you can head to the VIP Reagan Reception where countless deals will be signed, cigars smoked and lives ruined. Not to worry, Reagan won’t be there. As you may have observed throughout your day of conservative endurance, dancing around the corpse of what used to at least seem like a reasonable party machine, Ronald Reagan is dead.

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