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NEWS

Your CPAC flask

A slightly debauched survival guide for the Conservative Political Action Conference

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1 p.m.: Rick Perry, Texas Governor

The feathered haircut who thinks that Social Security is a ponzi scheme brings the celebrity factor back into view. Without Romney in the room to spar with, Perry is likely to make the crazies swoon with his kill-’em-all Texas tea. He’s a certified frontrunner, y’all. It’s like an opposite world where what’s worst for you seems best. Drink! Then secede.

1:15 p.m.: Gary Johnson, former New Mexico Governor

The sound of one hand clapping.

1:30 p.m.: Rick Santorum, former U.S. Senator, R-Pa.

“The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex,” says Google.

1:45 p.m.: Ron Paul, U.S. Congressman, R-Texas

Self-professed “Dr. No” comes to town to greet his libertarian base that apparently would rather watch everyone die than consider compassionate health care. Just ask his dead former campaign staffer. Revolutions do involve killing people, after all.

2 p.m.: Herman Cain, businessman

The only black man in the room.

2:15 p.m.: Jon Hunstman, former Utah Governor

The other white Mormon will try once again to make everybody forget that he was an Obama appointee. He will fail miserably. However, this is also the point where you’re most likely to hear references to Kurt Cobain and/or heroin! Hope you brought your gear, junkie.

2:15 – 3:30 p.m.: Panel discussions

Eternal grumblepuss Bill Kristol joins the Heritage Foundation and the American Conservative Union to discuss bolstering defense spending and “the price of freedom.” Or, next door, the Heritage Foundation, the Tea Party Express and some conservative author will talk about how they’re killing their own party. Nobody wanted to listen to Huntsman, anyway.

2:15 – 3:45 p.m.: Ronald Reagan: A Rendezvous with Destiny

Look! Another movie from Citizens United! This time, our friends Newt Gingrich and his eerily animatronic spouse Callista walk us through the whitewashed legacy of the Gipper. We’ve seen the trailers. You should probably avoid this and head for something a little more two-sided – like the bar.

2:45 p.m.: Rick Scott, Florida Governor

Toastmaster par excellence Rick Scott will bedazzle the assembled minions with his tight grasp on issues like getting people to work. Or, he’ll start sweating, sway around in vertigo and tear the stage down with his windmill arms. Seeing as most of Scott’s speeches last a maximum of two minutes (handlers ahoy!) this could be your perfect opportunity to stop, point, laugh and carry on. You are either drunk or tired enough not to care by this point. Voldemort! Have you considered shaving your head yet? Oh, wait. It’s not that kind of conference.

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