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NEWS

Your CPAC flask

A slightly debauched survival guide for the Conservative Political Action Conference

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Bossie loves women, but only if their last names are Rhee, Malkin or Bachmann. Citizen’s United, according to its website, “seeks to reassert the traditional American values of limited government, freedom of enterprise, strong families and national sovereignty and security,” and does so by producing tea-flavored films like From the Heartland: The Awakening of the Conservative Woman. Also, he’s the reason you know who Gennifer Flowers is, thanks to a lifelong vendetta against Bill Clinton. Boring.

9:15 a.m.: Michele Bachmann, U.S. Congresswoman, R-Minn.

Are you back? Because this is where the real crazy kicks in. Bachmann’s recent foray into health science, about which she has no clue, has only served to further caricature her wandering-eye death stare in the face of declining poll numbers. Somebody will inevitably yell out “Gardasil!” at which point you have license to act “retarded.” You, little girl, are about to get raped by the government!

9:30 a.m.: Mitt Romney, former Massachusetts governor

Romney will inevitably materialize with a poker-themed “four aces” ramble, while running away from his own leftist history in sorting out the health care issue in Massachusetts. The flagging former frontrunner may seem a little frazzled by the bifurcation within his own formerly Ken-Doll-ready party, but – this being Florida – he will more than likely retain his approachable absence of dignity as a gift for the olds. Still, this will be a long, Mormon 15 minutes. Time for a bathroom break.

9:45 a.m.: Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, R-Ga.

Fresh from a two-hour bacon nap, Gingrich will surely wow the audience by reminding them how dumb they are. Last we heard, Gingrich’s chances were falling quickly, a fact illustrated last week by a horrific Tea Party town hall at the downtown Orlando public library, at which he fielded questions about turning the Mexican border into a playground for target-practice enthusiasts.

10 a.m.: Thaddeus McCotter, U.S. Congressman, R-Mich.

All you need to know about this bald, gangly presidential hopeful is that he has a star-spangled Telecaster guitar and plays for a band called the Second Amendments. Oh, and he likes dogs … and sometimes unions. Also, he has no chance.

10:15 a.m.: Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president, National Rifle Association

Oh, we can see where this is going. The only people lucid at sunrise are those who consider mechanical violence a sport. There is no better wake-up call than a Second Amendment shot at the sunrise. You should probably take a shot from your flask now, too.

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