Published: July 12, 2012
I'm a straight 32-year-old woman who has been in a monogamous relationship with a guy for two years. Recently, we took the plunge and moved in. Before moving in, we had experimented with some kinky stuff. (I have never come so hard or fast as the first time I fucked him in the ass with a strap-on.) Then he told me, after moving in, that he had given some thought to poly relationships before committing to me. Now I am feeling insecure about the viability of this relationship. Although he claims no desire to be in a poly situation now, I can't help but feel that I alone will ultimately not be able to fulfill him entirely. He is a soul mate who I can see growing with over time. But I worry this relationship is doomed.
Fem Fetish Frosh
This probably isn't what you want to hear, FFF, but here goes: You alone will ultimately never be able to fulfill your boyfriend entirely … just as he alone will never be able to fulfill you entirely. One person simply can't be all things to another person – sexually or otherwise – and unmet needs, unfulfilled desires and unexplored possibilities are prices we pay to be in LTRs. Monogamous, polyamorous, Femdom or whatever: All coupled people walk around feeling a little unfulfilled. (Single people, too.) Because no one gets everything they want.
So, FFF, while some aspects of the polyamorous lifestyle appeal to your boyfriend, he has decided that he prefers the kind of relationship he's in now, with its perks and drawbacks, to the hypothetical polyamorous scenarios he used to contemplate, which would've had their own perks and drawbacks. I'd say your relationship is only doomed if you can't bring yourself to take his "yes" – yes to you, yes to monoamory – for an answer.
My husband and I have been together for three years and we're not having as much sex as we used to. A big part of the problem: In the time we've been together, he's put on a lot of weight. I'm not looking to blame his weight gain for my libido issues. I just need to shut up and put out more, and I'm working on that. But I'm wondering if it's ethical to suggest incentivizing his weight loss with more sex. Sex every time he drops three pounds followed by sex once a week once he hits his target weight? I don't think losing the beer belly will make me want to drop my pants all the time, but it couldn't hurt, right?
Like Boys Slimmer
If you think your husband would respond positively to the challenge – if he's not weepily sensitive about his weight, if he likes set goals and specific rewards – then I think you should toss this proposal on the table right next to that bag of Doritos. Of course, I couldn't give you the same advice if the genders were reversed because… well, it looks like we're out of room. So we'll have to leave the gendered politics of fat for a future column.
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