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COLUMN

Savage Love

Two years ago, I fell in love with a man. (I'm a bisexual woman.) A friend decided to take that as her cue to declare her love for me. I turned her down. This same conversation had to happen repeatedly. A few weeks ago, she was having a party at her house. She got sloppy drunk and said that if she only had a penis, I'd be with her. She became touchy-feely and aggressive. At one point, she told a man there that they needed to get me drunker so that I'd have sex with her. When I confronted her later, she said that her drinking was because I had been too harsh when I turned her down. Then she said that I'm constantly cruel to her and that's why she drinks. When I suggested ending our friendship if I'm so cruel, she got apologetic and came up with all sorts of communication strategies to try to preserve our friendship. What should I do?
Bitches Be Crazy

This is why they pay me the big bucks: Stop hanging out with that bitch, BBC, because that bitch – as you're well aware – is fucking crazy. You're welcome.

I am a 16-year-old straight male – I think. I know I'm 16 years old, and I know I'm male. But I'm not totally sure about the sexuality. I'm into chicks, OK? There's nothing I love more than vagina. I have a girlfriend, and she's amazing. No argument. But recently, a gay friend told me he has a crush on me and has for a long time. He asked me to be his "friend with benefits." Plain and simple: He offered to give me head. I still haven't texted him back. I'm not totally against the idea. I've never thought about having sex with a dude, but I guess you could say I'm an open-minded person. So my question, Dan, is if I should become FWB with my friend. One of my main concerns is the fact that I'm in a relationship. So, yeah, I just don't know.
What Should I Do?

Ask your girlfriend if she'd be OK with you getting head from your gay friend. If that's not a question you can bring yourself to ask your girlfriend, WSID, then don't even think about becoming FWB with your gay friend.

As for your sexuality …

If there's nothing you love more than vagina – really? Not your mom? Not even oxygen? – then you're definitely not gay. You could be bisexual, I suppose, or heteroflexible. But I'm thinkin' what you are is 16 years old and horny as shit. If a talking skunk with a French accent walked into your room and offered you a blowjob, WSID, you'd probably say yes. Letting that skunk blow you wouldn't be proof that you're a zoophile – or a Francophile – just proof that you're so horny you decided to shoot (into a skunk's mouth) first and ask questions ("I let a skunk blow me – WTF?") later.

A sex expert I quoted in a recent column observed that a person can have a kink that overrides his "usual erotic 'target interest,' i.e., women." You're not kinky, WSID, just horny. But the combination of intense adolescent horniness and a rare blowjob opportunity have overridden your usual erotic target interest, i.e., women.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do this. Gay/straight FWB arrangements can work. But you shouldn't do this if it means deceiving your girlfriend. If you want to take your friend up on his offer, WSID, clear it with your girlfriend first or wait until you're single. And if you're so tempted to do this that you're considering doing it behind your girlfriend's back, WSID, that's a pretty good indication that you'll be single soon.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE: Make porn! Details on HUMP! – the annual porn festival that I host in Seattle and Portland – are here: humpseattle.com. Films are limited to five minutes in length, they don't wind up on the Internet, and you don't have to live in the Pacific Northwest to submit to HUMP! And this year's grand prize is $5,000!

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