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NEWS

Our dumb state

Yet another installment of our semi-regular compendium of idiocy

Photo: , License: N/A

Photo: , License: N/A


No worries, though. Nothing another cigarette couldn’t fix. According to The Florida Times Union, Tobias then placed the baby on the couch, huffed her way outside to light one up and came back in only to find that the family dog – a real dog – had knocked poor Dylan off the couch. The child, clearly insensitive to his mother’s needs, started crying again. That was his mistake. Tobias picked him up and shook him again, because that worked so well the first time. Then, according to police reports, the baby stopped breathing and Tobias called 911. Unfortunately, Tobias was already on probation for domestic battery, so when her baby was pronounced dead, she was in a double heap of real manure. She’s now stuck in jail awaiting sentencing in December, with no farm to call her own.

TRUCK NUTZ

Because the recent grassroots uprising of tea-stained backwoods populism had nothing to do with racism or violence, it came as a complete shock when the news broke in November that Sanford’s Nations Trucks dealership – “the largest pre-owned truck dealer in the entire Southeast!” boasts its website – decided to mine its retread (on me) demographics for the perfect incentive to boost business. Never mind the lot’s slogan: “We sell trucks, not gimmicks.” General sales manager Nick Ginetta, clearly hip to the fact that most rural guzzlers of gas are also flag-wrapped bellies full of Second Amendment heartburn, decided to offer the completely reasonable add-on of an AK-47 with each truck purchase. “My buyer is absolutely a gun owner, no question,” he told the Associated Press. And guess what? Sales doubled.

The deal came with a 
caveat: Prospective semi-automatic-assaulters would be re-quired to pass the boilerplate background check needed to purchase such unnecessary artillery and, should the buyer be some lily-loving pansy, he (or she?) could pass on the AK-47 and opt instead for either $400 cash or a gun-shop voucher to purchase a different firearm. Secession is only two tanks away.

DRINK ME

There are some maladies (or psychotropic hallucinations) that only a Silkwood shower can capably address; others simply require a lot of water. On Nov. 1 at the not-at-all-suspicious time of 5:30 a.m., Atlanta massage therapist Earl Davis, 29, jumped a fence into a Hollywood, Fla., water treatment plant, stripped down to his birthday suit and proceeded to wreak havoc on the tap water of the South Florida burb for no apparent reason. The stunt was enough to excite the criminal antennae of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, mostly because Davis knew exactly how to penetrate the plant’s inner sanctum and shut down not only the main breaker but also the backup generator. And he was naked.

“I question whether he knew what he was doing,” Davis’ attorney Michael Leader told Newsweek. “I don’t think there was any malicious intent.”

Regardless, he was nabbed by water-plant staffers who found Davis – identifying himself, hilariously, as Mike Myers – sporting one of their biohazard suits. In other words, don’t drink the water. Davis said his social security number was 666-66-6666, because the devil doesn’t like water. Six U.S. Marshals were needed to carry him into court. He’s now under psychological evaluation, like most people living in Florida.

BAGGAGE BLAME

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