O Holy Crap!
A last-minute gift guide for deadbeats and procrastinators
Published: December 23, 2010
Face it: You’re fucked. So get fucked. Fairvilla Megastore (1740 N. Orange Blossom Trail; 407-425-6005; open Christmas 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.)
Pass out on the couch from too much tryptophan and too many children. Wait, did you drink enough?
You missed it. May we suggest Duran Duran’s just-released new album, All You Need Is Now ($8.99), available Dec. 21 on iTunes. You’re not a loser. It’s 1982 and you hate your parents.
Dollar Store Christmas
It’s Christmas Eve, and you’re cash poor and giftless, but fear not – the Dollar Tree is open! It’s a real dollar store where every item really is a dollar (as opposed to those imposter stores that just round their prices to the nearest dollar).
Muster your inner Martha and make a Holiday Hangover gift basket by curating a pleasing group of items tied to the theme. The gift-basket approach makes you seem thoughtful and crafty, even if you aren’t. Most adults on your list are probably so disgusted with the sugary music, rotten consumerism and liters of whiskey consumed around the holidays, not to mention the unfulfilled expectations and bitter disappointments, that they’ll welcome your heartfelt sentiments. We promise this will only take 10 minutes and $12.
Grab a basket and fill as follows:
• Swiss Miss cocoa mix with marshmallows
• Festive mug
• Mrs. Fields cookie dough delights
• Hershey’s milk
• Single serve microwave nachos ‘n’ cheese dip
• Air-activated heat wrap for maximum pain relief
• Warm touch warming jelly
• Aleve pain reliever
• Alice Waters and Chez Panisse, a book about the woman who spearheaded the local, organic food movement in the United States
Holiday hangover cured, and Christmas is saved!
Click and Give
Before you know it, it’s midnight on Christmas Eve, you’ve wasted the whole day at FleaWorld and you have nothing to show for it. Gift certificates it is, then. Some retailers will let you buy and print gift certificates from the comfort of your own living room, so you can put off your shopping until 10 minutes before you’re due at the holiday table. (GameStop, www.gamestop.com, denominations of $10 and up, delivered by e-mail; Barnes and Noble, www.barnesandnoble.com, $10-$350, delivered by e-mail; Jet Blue www.jetblue.com, $10-$1,000, printable; Give Anything, www.giveanything.com, $10-$500, printable or delivered by text or e-mail). Now, please stop worrying and go to sleep.
Beyond the hydrocodone and hairdryers, your local CVS pharmacy comes alive with seemingly nonsensical excuses for gifts you can pick up with your apology wine on the way to the family pit. Assuming that your family still has walls, you could luck out with the Lightblast Entertainment Projector ($99), which is, as its name implies, basically a film projector that blows up your modern media to 120 inches. Got a lazy mom? Try the Deluxe MyPlace Cozy ($19.99), a plastic tribute to those bean-bag lap readers of yore, only now including capitalization that invokes technology. It’s for her laptop! It has a cupholder! Dad’s got the DTs, so he’ll need to stay warm. Try a men’s “Genuine” leather jacket ($19.99), because even cheap leather (like cheap cashmere) is great for suspending disbelief. Not as great as the American Era three-tiered chocolate fountain ($19.99), though. Nothing beats a chocolate fountain. Finally, for the brat that has everything, pick up the iCraig Tower Stereo System ($79.99), a 40-inch tall, 4-inch wide approximation of an iPod dock with horrible sound for his horrible music. And pick up some painkillers for yourself. That’s what drugstores are for.