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O Holy Crap!

A last-minute gift guide for deadbeats and procrastinators

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Every family has at least one shutterbug (probably your undeclared college niece). CPH’s “Stocking Stuffer Special” is the Nikon Coolpix S220, a slim and sexy little thing that takes crisp (10 megapixel) shots and comes loaded with features. It’s a steal 
at $79.99.

You know that disturbed nephew who cold-stares through dinner and picks on the dog? Channel his inner Kim Jong Il with an Estes Taser model rocket launch set. For $24.49, you can assemble the lil’ missile in under an hour, launch it up to 1,100 feet high, then watch it parachute back down. Just like that, you’ll be the cool uncle and he’ll sleep tight with visions of sugar plums and his own totalitarian dictatorship!

1 p.m.

Need something to bring to your great aunt’s Christmas Eve gathering? Everybody (well, nobody really, but it’s the thought that counts) appreciates a fruitcake, and you can get a genuine British Christmas cake at the British Shoppe (809 N. Mills Ave., 407-898-1634, open Christmas Eve 10 a.m. to whenever business dies down). Get there early, because the store plans to close when the last-minute shoppers stop pouring in the doors.

3 p.m.

The longest-standing Jesus joke around, no single entity embodies both the best (“the meaning”) and the worst (the crass commercialism) of yuletide festivities like Orlando’s own Holy Land Experience (4655 Vineland Road, 407-872-2272, open Christmas Eve 10 a.m. to 7 p.m.). HLE offers a litany of gift shops wherein you can purchase plastic artifacts of religious fiction. The chief find would obviously be Bearnardo, the Scribal Bear ($12.99), a Gund toy that posits the importance of writing miracles down. But for your less literate fundamentalist, reach for Qaboo, a stuffed camel ($14.95).

11 p.m.

Go to church and go to bed. Or go to a bar and get drunk.

Christmas Day, 8 a.m.

Instead of a heaping pile of presents from Santa, you wake up Christmas morning to a whimpering dog in need of a piss and a few names still lingering on your gift-giving list. At this point, you’re stuck with the tourist-driven Bargain World (6454 International Drive, and various other locations on International Drive, 407-351-0900, open Christmas 8 a.m. to 11 p.m.), which offers some surprisingly not-so-cheesy finds. If you look past the Florida souvenirs and Mickey toys you’ll find fashion belts ($2.99) for her, a pair of singing magnets ($2.99) for a great gag gift and a calamondin orange tree seedling ($6.99) for those not-so-green thumbs.

10 a.m.

If you live in or near Orlando, blame Disney Village Marketplace (1780 Buena Vista Drive, Lake Buena Vista, open Christmas 9:30 a.m. to 11 p.m.) for having no last-minute excuses: Money never sleeps, and neither does the Mouse. Open nearly every waking hour of any day, this fantasia of holiday shopping covers all bases: There’s the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique salon for the little princess (the luxurious Castle package starts at around $200), pin trading for the collector, the Arribas Brothers crystal shop for personalized glass crafts and of course the LEGO Imagination Center, where you can scoop up a freakin’ basin of swallowables for less than the gas it took you to get there. If you need to cover a shit-ton of vaguely familiar relatives, then hit up Mickey’s Mart where everything’s under $10.

11 a.m.

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