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COVER STORY

O Holy Crap!

A last-minute gift guide for deadbeats and procrastinators

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You thought you had it all figured out: 
Drink yourself into an eggnog stupor and disappear to the basement for two days of detox. Christmas would be none the wiser! But now it’s Christmas Eve, and even if you can’t feel your legs, your guilt hurts like a motherfucker. Time to splash humility water on your face and hit the retail superhighway for the trinkets that’ll save your ass. Just do it, jerk. You’re welcome.

Christmas Eve, 9 a.m.

Got a hard-to-buy-for (but otherwise harmless) creeper on your list? Then you’ll want to check out Skycraft Surplus (2245 W. Fairbanks Ave., Winter Park, 407-628-5634, open Christmas Eve 8:30 a.m. to 3 p.m.), where you’ll find a mini nanny cam ($49.95) or a wireless inspection camera/borescope with camera mounted atop a flexible scope ($264.95). Don’t want to encourage that kind of behavior in your loved/liked/tolerated one? How about a new Jam Jacket for his or her iPhone ($5.95), then?

10 a.m.

It’s quite possible that you should be permanently punished for waiting this long to extricate your holiday head from your prison ass, so to assuage that guilt, you may want to go stand with the record-seekers and common Christmas Eve criminals at the Downtown Orlando Police Department (100 S. Hughey Ave., 407-246-2470, open Christmas Eve 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.). Rather than posting bail for your drunk uncle, consider some of the whimsical wares at the Cop Shop located in the lobby. For a mere pittance, you can pick up a gender-specific OPD sippy cup ($2 and perfect for cocktail driving!), a mouse pad ($5) or a keychain ($5). The volunteers who run the joint – you may have to have reception flag one down – will make you aware that there are certain items in the store (weird figurines, insignia polos, event t-shirts) that are available to cops only.

11 a.m.

You might think of Fleaworld (4311 S. Orlando Drive, Sanford, 407-330-1792, open Christmas Eve 9 a.m. to 6 p.m.) as little more than a place to pick up knockoff designer handbags and cheap socks in bulk. But you can also mine the 1,700 booths and vendors for weird, wonderful and white-bread gifts for the person on your list who has everything already. Bet they don’t already have a handmade domino table ($175) or a tambourine painted with a likeness of J.H. Christ himself ($35), both available at Music Zone (booth E-35)! We also found the best nutcracker ever at Kitchen Gadgets & Gifts (booth D-15-22) – Duke’s Easy Pecan and Nut Cracker ($19.95) – suitable for both the grandfathers and ball-breakers on your list.

12 p.m.

At this point, you need to think in broad terms, but it’s still early enough that it doesn’t have to be broad drugstore terms. Show that you put slightly above minimum thought into your last-minute gifts by stopping by Colonial Photo & Hobby (634 N. Mills Ave., 800-841-1485, open Christmas Eve 9 a.m. to whenever business dies down), a 50-plus-year-old local, family-owned hobby shop.

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