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Mayor’s State of the County address was a bore

At least we learned that housing prices are increasing. But we already knew that.

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But that comedic distortion wouldn’t, in the end, be enough. Jacobs’ centerpiece for her toastmastering was a “branding” exercise intended to inform the world that we’re not all about vomiting turkey legs off of rollercoasters into the laps of hookers at conventions. No siree, we’re asking the world to “imagine” that Orlando is a hub for modeling, simulation and training – we make fake wars! – as if that were a secret that Orlando Mayor Buddy Dyer hasn’t been keeping for the past five years of his overwrought speeches. Anyway, even though this may be news to everyone else, Jacobs announced that the mean folks in Virginia and Alabama already have plans to steal this sweet drone-flavored pie away from us, so we’re forming a blue-ribbon panel (!) to stop them. You know, right after the pie-eating contest at the end of one of Central Florida’s nature trails, full of “crisp air” in summer. Ack!

The only real development – or obligatory new technological leap – this year came in the form of the “Orange Stats Dashboard,” a sort of beta attempt at a searchable government transparency database that, at least for now, is little more than an electronic brochure full of pie charts designed to make the county look good. And, if you’re to ask Jacobs, the county already looks great – because of “you, the heart and soul of this community.” Feel better? Get off our lawn.

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