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So Mitt's Mormon - what does that mean?

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Was Jesus the only son of God?

Nope. In LDS scripture, Jesus and Lucifer were actually brothers in the “pre-mortal” world. When God sat them down to explain his plan of creating Earth to test human spirits under mortal conditions, Lucifer proved to be a rebel, and Jesus a daddy's boy. Result? Devil banished to the outer darkness for eternity; Jesus heads to terra firma.

Does the Smithsonian Institute employ the Book of Mormon as a guide for archaeological research for early history in the Americas?

No. This rumor among LDS adherents become so rife the Institute was ultimately compelled to issue a terse response declaring, “The Smithsonian Institution has never used the Book of Mormon in any way as a scientific guide . . . No reputable Egyptologist or other specialist on Old World archeology, and no expert on New World prehistory, has discovered or confirmed any relationship between archaeological remains in Mexico and archaeological remains in Egypt.” It then listed a number of erroneous BoM claims and textual anachronisms, such as the fact that iron, steel, glass, and silk did not exist in the Western Hemisphere before 1492.

Will Mormons baptize me after I’m dead, even if I totally have hydrophobia?

They might. Proxy baptism, as it is known, is carried out by baptizing a living person, who presumably doesn’t suffer hydrophobia, on the behalf of one who is dead. Hundreds of thousands of deceased unbelievers have been proxy baptized by Mormons, to the great chagrin of many of their survivors. The official LDS response of, “What’s the big deal? The soul can always reject the baptism in the afterlife,” has gained very little traction among incredulous opponents, so church authorities are now begrudgingly telling parishioners to ask permission of surviving family members first.

And after the proxy baptism?

Proxy baptisms, involving total submersion, are generally carried out by young baptized Mormons. Monday through Saturday in each LDS Temple, somewhat older RGMs who have been endowed and sealed perform proxy endowments and sealings. Small biographical cards for each deceased soul are used, and the worshippers either bring their own (the ones with permission of surviving family members), or they are provided cards by the Temple authorities from a vast database maintained by the church, which, coincidentally, owns ancestry.com.

Do Mormons really get their own planet in the afterlife?

Only Really Good Mormons who tithed and were “sealed” or married at some point. No planets for the unwed.

Where do Pretty Good Mormons go?

The second level of glory, the Terrestrial Kingdom.

So who goes to Hell?

Bad Mormons. It's called “Outer Darkness” rather than Hell, but make no mistake, it's eternal damnation. Oh, and Bad Mormons are joined there by the spirits that followed Satan even before they were born.

Unbelievers don't go to Hell?

No. In the afterlife, unbelievers head to Spirit Prison, where they are received by missionaries and offered salvation. Learn some gospel, go through the temple stuff - and poof! - you're in paradise, and from there on move to one of the three levels of glory ... unless you end up in Spirit Prison and still reject Jesus Christ because you're just one of those incorrigible types that needs to be in a spiritual supermax situation. But even under that scenario, you serve 1,000 years before being transferred to the Telestial Kingdom, which is the lowest level of glory, but still so damn glorious that Joseph Smith said “man would crawl on his hands and knees just to get to there.”

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