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How to write a love poem when you’re drunk

The How-To Issue

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Unlucky in love? Does navigating the Orlando dating scene feel like a complex mating ritual? The best way to attract a mate is to slam dunk a basketball, win the gold medal in figure skating or go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, but unfortunately, as the Orlando Magic have repeatedly taught us, not everybody is athletically adept. What’s an ordinary schlep to do?

Write a love poem, of course! A recent study indicates that poets get laid 90 percent more often than average people. Wordsmiths as homely as Charles Bukowski, Billy Collins and Jewel are known for their sexual prowess. Formal literary training is not a requirement. You don’t even need to read poetry to write successful verse. Simply follow these easy steps to discover the poetic Lothario you’ve always had inside you.

Caution! It is extremely important to be drunk before ever attempting to compose a poem. The National Safety Council cites sobriety as the leading cause of poetry-related deaths and accidents, and historians widely agree that Charles Baudelaire acquired syphilis when he wrote “To a Creole Lady” after consuming less than half a bottle of wine. Under no circumstances should poetry be attempted with a blood alcohol level lower than .08 percent, though a BAC of .29 percent to .37 percent is preferential for maximum results.

Choose a beverage that reflects your poetic association. Do you identify with French decadence? A lush Bordeaux may be to your liking. If the Celtic Revival seems to match your red beard and propensity toward alcoholism, then whiskey is probably a better choice. If finances pose a concern, PBR is a viable option, but be sure to consume no fewer than eight tallboys. Safety first!

Next, find a place to compose. Your home, office and other private quarters are never ideal. Bars, cafés and coffee shops – preferably when noisy and crowded – are much better. Look up from your notebook regularly to scan your surroundings for potential conquests. Be sure to talk loudly and often to anyone within earshot about your progress. Everyone loves a drunk, vocal poet.

It is not immediately necessary for you to identify the subject of your love poem. You need only change the dedication line for each infatuation. Specific details are best avoided, but don’t limit yourself; “emerald orbs” are easily converted to “aquamarine gems” and “auburn locks” to “raven strands.” It doesn’t really matter what you write. You can never hope to be a Sylvia Plath or Bill Shakespeare. Scrawl down any random thought as it enters your inebriated mind. Revision is for suckers! When your love poem is finished, post it on your Facebook. Leave silly concerns like appropriateness and humiliation to add to the discomfort of your morning hangover. Watch as you soar from zero to hero (but make sure you never rhyme)!

Teege Braune is a bartender at Redlight Redlight.

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