Happytown toasts and roasts 2013
Looking back at the best and worst newsy moments of the year
Published: December 25, 2013
JUST THE STATS
NUMBER OF BILLS, RESOLUTIONS AND MEMORIALS PROPOSED IN THE 2013 FLORIDA LEGISLATIVE SESSION. OF THOSE, 286 PASSED BOTH THE HOUSE AND SENATE CHAMBERS
NUMBER OF FLORIDIANS UNDER THE AGE OF 65 WHO ARE CURRENTLY UNINSURED. THE REPUBLICAN LEGISLATURE REFUSED $51 BILLION IN FEDERAL MONEY FOR MEDICAID EXPANSION, WHICH WOULD HAVE COVERED NEARLY ONE MILLION OF THE STATE’S POOREST RESIDENTS
ESTIMATED ECONOMIC IMPACT OF THE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE INDUSTRY ON THE U.S. ECONOMY IN 2010; $120 BILLION OF THAT CAME FROM DISTILLED SPIRITS
“I’M PROFOUNDLY SORRY TO LET DOWN MY FAMILY, PARTICULARLY MY WIFE AND SON, AND THE PEOPLE OF SOUTHWEST FLORIDA. I STRUGGLE WITH THE DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM, AND THIS LED TO AN EXTREMELY IRRESPONSIBLE CHOICE. AS THE FATHER OF A YOUNG SON AND A HUSBAND TO A LOVING WIFE, I NEED TO GET HELP SO I CAN BE A BETTER MAN FOR BOTH OF THEM.”
– CONGRESSMAN TREY RADEL, R-NAPLES
Sources: Distilled Spirits Council of the United States, Florida Legislature, Washington Post
Oh, hey there! Don’t be alarmed; take off that coat. You’ve just stumbled into the swish and fizzle of our year-end deadline dangle, the sort of “taint” between what was and what will soon be that sends newsrooms into doubtful shame spirals typically requiring copious splashes of booze – which is convenient, because this week we pay tribute to the art of fucking ourselves up, like throughout this entire issue – in order to set our sights straight. So if it feels like this could be a tacked-on year-end affair, then you’re not doing it right.
Pour a drink! We’re about to get started with our official old-timey Happytown™ toasts to a political year we will soon forget (maybe tonight even?) and you don’t want to miss a minute of it. Nope, you’re not allowed to black out. We’re saving the cocaine for the end, Congressman. Ready? OK!
This first sloshy guzzle goes out to the evergreen target of Floridian rage, Gov. Rick Scott, who you may recall fell out of character for half a minute in the spring when he invoked his recently deceased mother as a means of explaining why we maybe should accept the $51 billion in Obamacare monies as a means of helping the poor get into Medicaid; also, the poor can vote, too! Then, of course, Scott withdrew back into his villainous shadow and pretended that he never said any of that, no sir. Oh, and also, let’s bring back the voter purge nonsense that was such an embarrassment last year; while you’re down there, let’s limit absentee ballot drop-off points so that democracy gets that much tinier. By the end of the year, Scott looked like he could use a drink when the statewide media began laying into his campaign job-growth claims – or Incentives for Nothing – sending him into a seizure and a holiday soup kitchen. Drink up, asshole!
> Email Billy Manes