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COLUMN

Happytown: Poor Rich White Lady and Dorworth's out the door

A Q&A with the worried woman who fretted on your TV all during campaign season; a recount votes state Rep. Chris Dorworth out of office

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HT: Do you have any previous experience confronting the crippling national debt?

PRWL: "I didn't know the crippled had anything to do with the national debt, I just like being able to use their parking spots at the mall."

HT: I'm thinking about buying a new MacBook Pro. Would you spring for the Retina screen? Also, is that a real iPad or a tablet?

PRWL: "I only use Mac products. That is true American genius when a cosmetic company can also make amazing computers and phones."

HT: Have you ever had sex dreams about Paul Ryan's P90X video? Rick Scott at a donut shop?

PRWL: "Well, I haven't eaten carbs since 2004 so I refuse to even look at or think of donuts. But yes, when my husband left 3 months ago, Paul Ryan has been the only thing that has gotten me through the lonely nights. That and Ambien with a Jack Daniels chaser."

HT: What's your favorite nickname for Mitt Romney. Was he your first husband?

PRWL: "I will always refer to him as Mr. President. Though I have heard that Ann calls him Barack in bed. I have only had one husband. I respect the sanctity of marriage. Have you seen my husband? I haven't in months. Last I knew he was on a missionary trip with Marcus Bachmann."

HT: Did you cry on Tuesday night? Well, I know you blacked out, but were there tearstains on your silk blouse or your mink hammock?

PRWL: "Maybe, I'm not sure. What happened Tuesday?"

HT: And finally, seeing as the world has fallen apart like Victoria Jackson's career, are you going to move to a different house, perhaps one without two pool-temperature options and maybe one less walk-in closet?

PRWL: "We will be forced to downsize now that the national debt since has tripled after the president's re-election.  My children are worried. What do I tell them? Where are they? Are you going to finish that mojito?"

HT: Thank you for your time, Poor Rich White Lady. I hope you survive.

Keeping with the theme of survival, the election's biggest (in more ways than one) upset came in the bloated form of financial house-of-cards state Rep. Chris Dorworth, R-Lake Mary. Dorworth, who was on tap to become the House Speaker in 2014 due to his Republican awesomeness, couldn't even get enough votes to overpower relative unknown attorney and firefighter Democrat Mike Clelland who, as of Monday, was ahead by 140 votes out of 74,000 cast, with every possible recount mechanism squeezed. Now Dorworth joins his buddy, state Rep. Scott Plakon, R-Longwood, on the overstatement bench of rejection.

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