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COLUMN

Happytown: Poor Rich White Lady and Dorworth's out the door

A Q&A with the worried woman who fretted on your TV all during campaign season; a recount votes state Rep. Chris Dorworth out of office

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Welcome to the new normal! Even despite a few redneck secession petition-drives, the outcome of the Nov. 6 general election was a cheerful splash of blue. The best part: This time, Florida only got to play pockmarked understudy to the dramatic flourishes of the other swing states, even though it tried its damndest to repeat its role as the most recounted state in the union (which also made people wait up to six hours just to participate in their own democracy).

Over the weekend, Florida was called for President Barack Obama, pushing his electoral count total to a whopping 332 (to Republican challenger Mitt Romney's 206), though chrome-domed miserablist Gov. Rick Scott was still silently gasping the word "review" to anybody who could hear him.

Somebody else left gasping was that concerned mom from those political-season campaign ads who, in typical melodramatic ad fashion, stared woefully at her iPad while sitting in her lovely Colonial kitchen and asked Obama: "What Have You Done for Me Lately?"

We caught up with the brunette spokeslady for all concerned, well-off white women – or at least her reasonable facsimile, "Poor Rich White Lady," a Facebook personality (with 309 likes!) created by local comedian Jeff Jones the week of the election – to commiserate over rubbing-alcohol cocktails.

Happytown™: I know you must be kind of broken up right now, but can you give me some tips on how it is that you were able to expand your kitchen in between your two commercials – you know, with that heavy production schedule and the kids to look after?

Poor Rich White Lady: "Well unlike Barack Obama, I support growth. Growth begins at home, specifically in my kitchen. Americans deserves the right to have not just one, but two kitchen islands. Did you notice how small my kitchen flatscreen is? My family can't live like that."

HT: Other than your maid Lupita, do you know any poor people (like Democrat poor) personally? If so, have you spoken to any of them since Tuesday? How did they react?

PRWL: "I personally do not know any poor people, but I do watch television shows about them. I can see they are struggling. Those homosexuals on Modern Family couldn't even afford to adopt a white baby. Though, in all honesty they shouldn't have been able to have any baby."

HT: What's your favorite Windex drink recipe?

PRWL: "Windex, gin and valium."

HT: What's the latest magazine story that you read to Sarah Palin? Were the gays involved?

PRWL: "Sarah prefers that I do not read to her from publications by the lame stream media. But she is quite fond of the games in Highlights magazine. Gays can read?"

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