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COLUMN

Happytown

The week where we wondered if Gov. Rick Scott purged himself to death, if we could get insurance to protect us when we stood our ground and caused unnecessary death, and whether Darden was sustaining food workers or banking on their death. We're all dead now!

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Just as we were busying ourselves appending the "Y"s to all of our adverbs and squeezing the last bits of ink from our feather-quill pens in order to put this week's super persuasive cover story on the Great Voter Purge of 2012 to the hot wax treatment of making a paper, we got to thinking: Are we dead? I mean, really, if we were dead, would voting even matter?

That's about precisely the time that the news came across our filthy transom that, wait, oh my God, Gov. Rick Scott used to be dead. Sort of. The Miami Herald's Marc Caputo, who has been covering this story to the point of hanging his own chad, reported on Friday that Scott, once a resident of freewheeling Collier County, arrived at his early voting place, Naples City Hall, to cast an early vote in the 2006 Florida midterm elections. The poll worker must have gone white!

"You can't vote because you're dead," the Herald reports Scott recalling. "You passed away, according to our voter rolls."

And then it happened again! Twice our governor was handed a provisional ballot in 2006, once for the primary and once for the general election.

"I showed them my ID," Scott reportedly said. "They let me vote provisionally. I'm sure it counted."

Rather than allowing this particularly morbid experience to frame his perspective on the current voting fracas, Scott instead has used it to bolster his belief in provisional ballots, precisely the same ballots that actual citizens who are thought to be non-citizens may be stuck filling out to get counted after Election Day.

Scott's voting debacle stems from a mix-up between himself, Richard Lynn Scott, and some guy who died before the 2006 election, but shared the same birth date as the future governor: Dec. 1, 1952. For the record, the state is set to remove 58,309 voters from the rolls this year because they are dead. Apparently, Scott won't be one of them. We're totally holding our tongues right now.

"They didn't ask me the next time I voted," Scott said. "So I guess I'm not dead any longer."

So there you were, just minding your own business when an unarmed dude had the audacity to walk through your community wearing a hoodie and looking all suspicious. It was raining outside, and it was dark – who does that? You followed him around in your vehicle and you called police, but they're so goddamn slow and this guy was clearly trouble. He was walking around in a state where everybody knows that someone who doesn't drive is either in recovery or up to no good – the only respectable way to get to the 7-11 is to drive there.

So anyway, a few minutes had gone by and those slow-ass cops still hadn't shown up, so you called 911 again, leapt out of your vehicle and decided to pursue this thug on foot. A scuffle ensued and you shot him. It's a good thing that Stand Your Ground law has your back – they might arrest you, but you've got a solid defense to fall back on that'll probably get you off a murder charge, at least. Maybe they'll nail you with manslaughter or something, but even that's debatable.

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