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COLUMN

Happytown

The week where we all became political schizophrenics via redistricting, we learned that Florida is heaven for CEOs and we got a taste of what's to come with Orange County's gay registry. Hey, at least we're not North Carolina!

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“Some districts are created more fair than others,” Randolph sighs. There is no fair in politics.

You may not have noticed, seeing as you're presently unemployed and homeless and selling handies in Parramore to get your daily fix of meth and Red Bull, but it turns out Florida is a hot spot for businesses. Well, not businesses so much as the raging assholes who run them. Last week, something called Chief Executive magazine, which we absolutely read every week/month/whenever it comes out, honest, rated Florida the No. 2 state in the nation for CEOs. This is up from our 10th-place ranking just four years ago (when, um, the unemployment rate was 5.7 percent, as opposed to the current 9 percent, so thanks, CEOs!). And why are we so grand?

Basically, good weather, no taxes, unions or regulations, and a bunch of poorly educated illiterates who will work for scraps – a corporate overlord's paradise! (Coincidentally, the top-10 states are all run by Tea Party yahoos. Imagine that.) Also, according to the mag, “New tax relief – and boosterish Gov. [Rick] Scott – excite owners and executives.”

But we are, of course, No. 2 when it comes to coddling the 1 percent, and this, Gov. Scott says, he cannot stand. He's gunning for you, Texas, which has held the title of most plutocrat-friendly for the past eight years. Last year, after Florida ranked third, Scott penned a letter to Gov. Rick Perry, saying, “I am certain that Texas' days at the top are numbered. Florida has eliminated job-killing regulation, reducing the size and cost of government, and making sure we have the best-educated workforce [ Ed. note: Ha!]. We have no personal income tax and are phasing out the business tax …”

From now on, your state government will be paid for with pixie dust and angel farts. Or pixie farts and angel dust – yeah, that sounds better. Anyway, hope you like serfdom, everyone!

Also, hope you like your domestic partner! After millions of hours of schoolmarmish tongue-clicking, on May 4 it was hinted that Orange County Mayor Teresa Jacobs might finally be moving forward with the same damn domestic-partner registry we've been talking about for more than a year. We weren't sure whether to believe the rumor,so we reached out to county spokesman Steve Triggs, and he straight confirmed it!

“The mayor's goal is to get this on the agenda for May 22,” he says (not realizing that May 22 is Billy Manes' 40th birthday – gay!), “so we're still on track to get it done before GayDays.”

What exactly the county's ordinance will look like in comparison to the city's remains to be seen, although a draft is supposed to surface sometime this week.

“I've talked to them about several of these issues they've been investigating,” says Orlando Anti-Discrimination Ordinance Committee leader and attorney Mary Meeks. (Full disclosure: Meeks is representing Orlando Weekly's Manes on an unrelated matter.) “I don't know what it's going to look like. … At the end of the day, I don't think they're going to change much from the city's ordinance.”

Which is kind of a bitter pill considering how much work the OADO has put into convincing Jacobs, and how much hell this publication has given her.

“After a year and a half of waiting, what I think she is going to do is exactly what we asked her to do,” Meeks only half-laughs. Some skulls are thicker than others.

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