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COLUMN

Happytown

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And everybody presumably has a brain, which makes that $1.5 million cut to rape services all the more inexplicable, especially when held up against the Kevlar-coated $2 million reserved annually in Florida for the funding of the pamphleteers at Christian crisis pregnancy centers - or, rather, the billboards that support them. 18 days! Heartbeat! Fuck off!

“It's just devastating,” says Tosh, who points out that the area's only domestic abuse center for women, Harbor House, already has a waiting list. “Rape crisis centers and domestic violence centers actually save women's lives. Those billboards are on there to make women feel bad about themselves.”

That, dear readers, seems to be the goal all around. In the immortal words of Bongwater's Ann Magnuson, “that's what women are all about, anyway, right? Sucking and shopping, sucking and shopping.”

Florida, in general, seems to be all about not knowing its head from its ass or where to suck the most, at least when it comes to university education. The other goal in Florida - as has been embarrassingly illuminated by a national news outlet for men with bellies as big as their bankrolls, Forbes - is to ensure that everybody remains stupid and poor while pretending to look smart. An April 22 piece by the magazine reported that gator-frat-beer-pong-heaven, the University of Florida, would be dropping altogether its computer science department. Why? To save $1.4 million, allegedly, or at least ensure that fewer people would be wearing glasses and pocket protectors. The move has predictably incited an uproar - including the obligatory online “save the geeks”-style website - and prompted, according to Forbes, acclaimed computer scientist Carl de Boor to send a nice little letter (email?) to the UF president asking, “What were you thinking?”

Thinking? Who does that, anymore? A couple of points of context that Forbes brings up: Rick Scott has been hot to create that new polytechnic school in Lakeland that is basically a fuck you to the University of South Florida in addition to the various fuck youshe's already issued to liberal arts education in general; also, back at the University of Florida, the athletic budget has jumped by $2 million, because that's what really matters when you think about it. Beers all around!

Apparently coming to its senses, or fearing reprisal from bellies and bankrolls, the University of Florida announced on April 25 that it would not be dropping its computer science program after all, because that would just be dumb.

“As many of you know, the proposal has been met with overwhelming negative response, much of which I believe has been based on misunderstanding,” burped UF President Bernie Machen in a statement. “Nonetheless, it is clear that the University of Florida must figure out a way to make it through these financially difficult times in a productive manner. I am optimistic we can do that.”

Optimism will get you everywhere.

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