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COLUMN

Happytown

The week where crazy Republicans convened at Lake Eola for the obsolescence of Herman Cain, we played verbal paper-doll games with the primary candidates and then griped about the county's new property tax referendum. We wanna be a cowboy! Get off our land!

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And if you’re voting for Ron Paul, you’re annoyingly earnest and somewhat confused. You’re not the type to proofread things with your name on them, even if they are flat-out incendiary and racist. You like to think of yourself as independent, and, therefore, nobody has a right to say anything negative about you. You are beholden to nothing but obstinate didacticism, and you might just have an “antiestablishmentarian” tattoo across your lower back. You believe in small government, just small enough to fit between a woman’s legs. Also, you’re probably high and won’t remember voting. Dude! Democracy!

Political circus aside, there remains one non-charismatic item on the primary ballot for both parties: a slight bit of tax incentivizing courtesy of Orange County Mayor Teresa Jacobs. Jacobs has been fighting for this since her campaign days, and she failed to get it sent out as a single ballot earlier last year because it would be too expensive. The referendum offers businesses a 100 percent, 10-year property tax holiday if they promise to locate in the county and make jobs. Sound great? Well then you’re a totally perplexed Republican, aren’t you? You’re pro-business while making homeowners pick up the unpaid taxes for public services you keep complaining aren’t good enough. If you have any sense of reason left in your clattering head, you should just do us all a favor and vote no on this one. Use your aftershave and angereffectively. Stick it to the man! Freedom!

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