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COLUMN

Happytown

The week where crazy Republicans convened at Lake Eola for the obsolescence of Herman Cain, we played verbal paper-doll games with the primary candidates and then griped about the county's new property tax referendum. We wanna be a cowboy! Get off our land!

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We managed to corner just-announced (and forever announcing) U.S. Congressional candidate Todd Long – he’ll be challenging Alan Graysonagain – who didn’t have much to say at all, but did feature fresh highlights on his signature flat-top of freedom to drive drunk. We also talked to perennial tax-hater, and 2011 candidate for county mayor, Matt Falconer for a minute about that Orange County property-tax referendum scheduled to be on the primary ballot. He’s against it, just like us, so we totally made out.

By the time Cain hit the stage around 6 p.m., we were fading. Cain’s old tropes about the “union is in trouble” and “we need a revolution” elicited their share of supportive heckling from people still wearing Cain paraphernalia, but they also sounded hollow against the knowledge that Cain was, just one night before, leading a fake campaign event in South Carolina with Stephen Colbert. His grass roots are tellingly patchy, see. But he still has a giant bus with his face on it! That’s what we call freedom.

And speaking offreedom, we’d be remiss if we didn’t toss in our opinions on the candidates who actually will be on the Jan. 31 ballot, because lord knows Happytown™ HQ is where you turn for wisdom. Who should you vote for? Well that depends on who you are.

If you’re voting for Mitt Romney, you’re probably comfortable in short-sleeve button-up shirts and khakis. You have to admit that you sometimes “enjoy” firing people.You’re a man’s man (or a desperate woman who has a thing for men’s men) who isn’t afraid of making large gambles, so long as they’re not large enough to register on your invisible tax records. You may or may not have been to the Cayman Islands – who can remember with all of those vacations? – but some of your money certainly has. You’re a Ken doll, or you like to play with Ken Dolls. You are sexy, confident and empty. You like to abuse animals. You’ve really made it, sir.

If you’re voting for Newt Gingrich, you have selective amnesia about your hero’s ’90s heyday as house speaker. Ethics? Who cares? Also, nobody has any business knowing how many wivesyou’re keeping, especially when one has cancer and the other is a trophy blonde. You tend to mouth off a lot, scream at the liberals on TV and probably do so in your one pair of coveralls. You’re not a racist, you just like to make jokes that only rednecks can laugh at.Everybody else can just fuck off. Freedom!

If you’re voting for Rick Santorum, you are a walking sweater vest of morality, but only the morality that is specific to people who are exactly like you. You have a creepy thing for dead babies, but so what? Everyone has skeletons in their closets. Sometimes they have big gay messes in their panties, too. Just ask Google.

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