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COLUMN

Happytown

The week where quiet deference in the state legislature gave way to aborta-palooza, Newt Gingrich tapped Rich Crotty (and the horse he road in on) for his Florida campaign and Floridians opted out of health insurance because they were broke. Such a pretty mess.

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Happy days aren’t here again! Sure, we’re all basking in the afterglow of a better-than-expected jobs report – whatever that means, guy who just gave up. And we’re swimming in the yellow diamonds filling our platinum swimming pools over the Jan. 3 SurePayroll report that placed Central Florida at number two in the country for hiring and number three for paycheck size. But, you know, money doesn’t buy happiness, just more prostitutes.

Even these bright shiny statistical distractions can’t divert our attention from what’s really happening this week, because what’s really happening is the freaking legislative session in Tallahassee! You know what that means: Since there are no longer any financial woes to worry about (save that $2 billion budget shortfall), it’s time to head straight to the state’s wayward ladyparts! Aborta-paloozais starting again! Time to close your legs.

As of Friday, Jan. 6, those very same state legislators of yours that promised this would be a stiff-lipped session dealing in everything but dreamed-up social issues had filed eight pieces of legislation intent on hoovering reproductive freedom from the Sunshine State. Sure, it’s apparently nothing compared to the record 18 pieces filed last year, but considering that some of them simply pick up the scraps of last year’s failure and tie an “omnibus” bow around them, it’s not that far off.

Last week’s latest additions to the woman-hating queue include the expected “all abortion is illegal” volley that patented crazyperson and Baptist minister Rep. Charles Van Zant, R-Palatka, files just about every year. The Florida for Life Act, or HB 1151, once again introduces the notion that every fetus is more important than the woman who is carrying it by stipulating that performing any abortion, except in pregnancies that actually risk the life of the mother and are signed off on by two physicians, is basically a murderous felony. Rape is awesome! Also, doctors at abortion clinics would be required to distribute pamphlets promoting adoption, because that always works out well. Case in point, following last year’s $2 million in continued unregulated taxpayer funding for crisis pregnancy centers – or lying lie-churches of lies – State Sen. Mike Fasano, R-New Port Richey, is pitching Senate Resolution 1326, a bill that for no apparent reason declares January (or now) to be “Pregnancy Resource Center Month.” Isn’t $2 million a yearenough of a marketing promotion for creepy falsehoods? Other bills seek to (again) change “viable fetus” to “unborn child” in laws involving death, install waiting periods, further limit third-trimester abortions, dance around in “fetal pain” and make certain (even though it already is certain) that the health care exchanges established by the Affordable Care Act don’t fund abortion.

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