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COLUMN

Happytown

The week in which the mayor got all crabby with Florence Henderson, The Daily Show got all pissy in Tallahassee and Santa got all drinky in front of the kids. Everything itches!

Photo: Billy Manes, License: N/A

Billy Manes


“No!” Fagan’s face went white. “Well, she’s done a lot of good things, too!” Like Wesson.

Following that awkward exchange, we stood around for a few minutes to watch each of the pageant ladies hand a gift representing either their country or their cause – Mrs. Mexico brought a ceramic skull, because, um, cartels? – and wondered to ourselves whether Mrs. Bahamas’ diamond-encrusted pendant on a white-gold necklace would clock in under $25. Also, would the mayor wear it? (It’s all “gifts to the city,” says Fagan, so you can wear it!). Meanwhile, WESH-TV Channel 2 reporter Greg Fox was haranguing Henderson with some oily questions of his own off to the side.

“Here’s a serious question,” he softened his balls before leading into some nonsense about whether the mayor was more excited to see a bunch of gussied-up global geese or everybody’s favorite childhood mom-crush. Gross.

“Mayor Dyer is very diplomatic,”Henderson demurred. “He’s known me longer than those ladies.” Watch out, Buddy!

Unless you were living under an endangered gopher tortoise, you’re probably well aware by now that Mr. 26 Percent, Gov. Rick Scott, unveiled his imaginary budget in Tallahassee last week with a sandy flip-flop: He’d be suggesting a $1 billion increase in education just one year after signing a budget that cut education by $1.3 billion. Clearly intended as a public relations stunt to soften his poorly received angularity, the promise came with few real specifics. As our Orlando Sentinel boyfriend Scott Maxwell was quick to point out, the $110-per-pupil increase – from $6,262 to $6,372 – was nice and all, but not so much when you consider that it used to be up around $6,897 before this terror reign.

But the governor’s obvious headline chase was foiled when The Daily Show crashed the announcement with a piss-cup in hand.Aasif Mandvi, correspondent for the faux news program, challenged our gubernatorial dome of mutilation to provide a urine sample, because, you know, Gov. Scott wants all of the poor people in the state to pee for their “needy” benefits. “I’ve done it plenty of times,” the governor sneered exactly twice before telling Mandvi, “You don’t get to run the show.”

Oh, but he did.Mandvi went on to pull the same stunt on Attorney General Pam “Barbie” Bondi on Dec. 8., except Bondi came prepared with a name-labeled cup of her own “urine,” which Mandvi promptly drank only to declare “It’s apple juice.”

Mandvi reportedly obtained legitimate urine samples from four other state legislators, including our own State Rep. Scott Randolph, D-Orlando. We called Randolph on Friday to get the dirty lowdown.

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