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COLUMN

Happytown

The week where we play Frankenstein inside Rick Scott's charisma vacuum, get taken for a ride down to J.J. Redick's pubic floor and dive Six Feet Under for a family photo. Scary!

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Time for some sports! It'sofficial, Orlando Magic fans: Duke heartthrob turned NBA cult obsession J.J. Redick will not be releasing a rap album. For those of you who didn't know: In the fall of 2009, word was going 'round the hip hop blogosphere that Redick was working on a single, "Waste Management," as part of a "rap super-group" that would include fellow Magic sharpshooter Ryan Anderson. (The "super" aspect of the group was kept secret, evidently.) In December of that year, Redick told an Orlando Magic reporter that the group had a name – "James Clay," the middle names of Anderson and Redick, respectively. During the interview, Redick talked about another track titled "Zeke's Temple," but teammate Dwight Howard, wearing a blond wig, barged onscreen with an atonal rendition of "Stayin' Alive," a performance that quickly degenerated into wordless humming and self-fondling. (See for yourself: search "J.J. Redick talks about rap group" on YouTube.) After the bizarre cameo was over, Redick resumed the interview. "We've got all our verses done. We're waiting on that hook, that catchy hook," Redick said. "But the beat is sick, man, I'm telling you. It'll get your head noddin'."

Flash forward to June 14, 2011, when Redick is at the Goldenrod Park Orange County Orlando Magic Community Gym fulfilling his team community service hours by telling elementary schoolers about the importance of eating healthy and exercising. (Oddly, retired Magic big man Bo Outlaw advised kids to drink sports drinks, which can contain nearly as much sugar as a can of Coke. Just saying!) Naturally, all the reporters in attendance were interested in everything but the Magic's community service, so we bade our time throughout the sweaty pep rally, smiling tightly. When the event finally ended and the local sports media pinned Redick to a wall, one reporter asked him about a surgery he underwent in May to repair some torn abdominal muscles. "It was a bilateral pubic floor repair lift," Redick corrected (next stop: pubic floor!) adding that another patient at his hospital had recently had the wrong leg amputated. Wait, 
seriously?

After some discussion of the NBA's labor dispute (and potential lockout), Dirk Nowitzki's playoff prowess (and not LeBron's failure), and Dwight Howard's prickly remarks toward his teammates, we finally fired off our question: Were his smirking music interviews cluing us in on a joke, or amusement at the fact that he was seriously making a rap album? "I don't think I was ever serious about it," Redick said. "We dabbled a little bit, but … I will say … stated emphatically, on the record: I will never have a rap album." That announcement means that Redick will never have the chance to try and surpass teammate Howard's October 2010 Kidz Bop-esque release, Shoot for the Stars, which currently ranks No. 82,633 in album sales on Amazon.com. Stayin' alive!

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