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COLUMN

Happytown

The hottest new laws in the 2011 legislative session (as a sketch!) and The Fountainhead comes to Winter Park to bust unions.

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Peek-a-Boo Golden Slip-N-Slides, Billy?

It's the thing when you overfill the cup, slip on the bathroom floor and hit your head and realize you could've spent that $35 on baby food or good drugs.

That's terrible!

And a government employee watches you. It's hot, Justin.

I'm sure it is.

Poor people really need more humiliation. It is a fact.

I have to say, I haven't heard one logical thing come out of legislature so far. Is there anything at all that our lawmakers accomplished in this session besides sideshow distractions?

Mmm-hmm. Tallahassee's hottest new law is HB 1127, otherwise known as Belly Jelly. Introduced by Sen. Evelyn "Lyn" Lynn , R-Daytona Beach, it has everything: shame games, paper kimonos, personalized peanut shapes, C3P-U, Jesus pamphlets, fetal dubstep …

Hang on, fetal dubstep? Do I even want to know?

It's the thing when your unborn fetus gives you a dance beat to cry to and part of you just wants to take you both to Ibiza and hug it out.

That's awful, Billy.

You always throw up first.

OK, well that was a complete waste of time. My faith in our state government has really been thrown.

Speaking of thrown, Justin, the hottest new bill in Tallahassee is HB 1355, otherwise known as "Suffrage Succotash!" Introduced by Rep. Dennis Baxley-"Birney," R-Ocala, it finally answers the question, "And you are?!"

Right, I've heard of this. It heavily restricts registration to discourage young or first-time voters.

Oh, and so much more. It's got everything: fake I.D.s, Republican Huggy Bear operatives, loose-leaf binders, church basement raves, hippies in despair, blue-hair finger condoms .

Blue-hair finger condoms?

It's the thing when the old lady behind the table doesn't want to get a paper cut. You know, staph, MRSA. There's a cocktail for that.

All right, Billy. Next time you visit Happytown™, I want you to bring me some real answers from our elected officials.

Yay!

Billy Manes, everyone. (applause)

We never cease to be amazed by
the shitstorms that so reliably emanate from the city of Winter Park. Last October, as you may recall, city commissioners decided to impose fees on dog owners for using the off-leash section of Fleet Peeples Park on Lake Baldwin; what followed was seven months of citizen drama replete with profanity, conspiracy and even physical battery (well, at least according to parks board vice chair, Bonnie Jackson). A fresh-faced commission rescinded the fees in March, leaving us to once again take up daytime television, but on April 25, Winter Park reclaimed our attention by voting to give a "not to exceed amount of $105,000 plus reasonable expenses" to a "labor relations consulting firm" for the sole purpose of persuading city employees that unionizing is a bad idea.

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