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COLUMN

Happytown

The hottest new laws in the 2011 legislative session (as a sketch!) and The Fountainhead comes to Winter Park to bust unions.

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By now you know that the band of horses collectively known as the Florida legislature galloped into semicircle formation last Friday to witness the "hanky drop" on this year's contentious lawmaking session. An anxious Florida awaited common-sense reform that might free the state from its corporation coddling and our worst fears about Gov. Rick Scott and his team's ambitions. There would surely be Medicaid privatization, tax breaks for the rich - because, you know, jobs - and sundry other legislative flourishes designed to further the ambitions of the state's conservative base. But with two long months to hash out the minutiae of saving Florida from itself in a time of financial crisis, there had to be some forward-looking legislation that could give the state's citizens a restored sense of hope.

To tell us more about the nuanced issues contained in the bills approved by the House and Senate, we turn to Billy Manes, aka Orlando Weekly's own Stefon!

Hi, Justin.

Welcome. Now, I understand you have an inside line on some of the more salient, rational solutions to the average Floridian's problems.

That's right, Justin. The hottest thing going in Tallahassee this session is SB 228, otherwise known as Droopy Drawers. Introduced by super-hot turncoat Sen. 1-800-ASK-GARY Siplin, D-Orlando, 228 finally answers the question, "Under-where?!" It has everything: boxer-briefs, skid marks, JNCOs, both Kris and Kross, frayed bottoms with bad attitudes, one-handed croddles …

I'm sorry, one-handed croddles?

Crotch waddles, Justin. It's the thing when someone with baggy pants is running from the police and it looks like they should be leaving a trail .

OK, now about the bill.

Oh, it's just some nanny-state nonsense that puts the onus on our thriving schools and their overpaid teachers to police the waistlines of baggy ne'er-do-wells .

Wait, that's crazy! What about a bill that actually involves our readership? Surely there were more sane solutions brought to the table?

I'm glad you asked, Justin. Tallahassee's hottest new law is SB 344, otherwise known as "Whoa Nelly!" Introduced by Sen. Nan "Bananarama" Rich, D-Sunrise, it has everything: hay-bale glory holes, non-platonic leather daddies, cross-eyed farmhands, cow tipping …

OK, now that makes sense. You're saying it's now illegal to …

Gently place the tip in …

I understand, please stop.

I can't! This is the "animal husbandry" situation that spent years dying in a giggle chamber. I love a giggle chamber.

I can't believe that's even something we're talking about right now. There must be something that addresses our state's financial situation, people in need.

That's right, Justin. Tallahassee's hottest new law is SB 355, otherwise known as 2 Poors, 1 Cup. Sponsored by Sen. Steve "Lars" Oelrich, R-Gainesville, it finally answers the question, "Thirsty?!" It has everything: welfare queens with coke budgets, jacked baby pee , cleanser that tastes like dollar store jelly beans, lemon rashes, cranberry-juice lollipops, Peek-a-Boo Golden Slip-N-Slides.

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