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COLUMN

Happytown

How to incorporate your uterus, commodify the homeless and get Rick Scott fired (if you're Ralph Nader)

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Lock up your loins. While
precisely one of your Happytown™ brethren was having his person – or rather his husband’s person – violated by an international crime syndicate in London last week, the steady drumbeat of uterine revolt against legislative uterine violation continued to grow louder and louder back in the Sunshine State. (See what we did there? Vain!)

You’ll recall from last week’s edition of this wildly popular nonsense compendium that State Rep. Scott Randolph, D-Orlando, made big news when, during a regulatory debate on the floor, he suggested that his wife Susannah might want to incorporate her ladyparts in order to gain the favor of our new market-driven state. Think of the tax loopholes! Gross.

Anyway, House Speaker Dean Cannon winced at the sexual suggestiveness of the whole thing, leading to a media frenzy that by Monday, April 4, landed Randolph on the tee-vee with MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and Cannon on serious defense. At a media event on April 6, Cannon chose to fuel the firecrotch by lashing out at Randolph in no uncertain terms. “One of the reasons why [Randolph] is probably one of the least effective members of the Democratic caucus is he substitutes things that have provocative value or shock value rather than making a policy argument,” Cannon said, according to The Palm Beach Post.

Hmm. If we remember correctly – and we do – Randolph made headlines last session when he tearfully revealed the painful details of his wife’s own miscarriage while trying to deflect the Republican policy of mandatory ultrasounds, asshole.

Fast forward a few days into the snowballing news cycle and the issue doesn’t seem to be quieting down at all. Not only are numerous nice folks around Tallahassee sporting pink “UTERUS” buttons on their lapels, but there are now numerous Facebook fan pages for the organ out there, including one, simply called “Uterus,” that boasts 3,863 fans. The world, it seems, has caught 
uterus fever.

Even better? You can now sort of incorporate your own uterus, just like Randolph suggested. The ACLU of Florida launched 
incorporatemyuterus.com on Monday, April 4, and according to Derek Newton, the group’s communications director, the site has had more than 200,000 hits and at least several thousand applicants. One of those is Susannah Randolph, who decided to certify her uterus with the name “The Pink Free Speech Zone.” It’s all in good fun (the printable certificates are for “humor” and “political” purposes only, according to the ACLU), but it’s also part of a larger movement.

“The response has been that people are just happy that some type of message is getting out there to a large mass of people as to what’s actually going on in Tallahassee,” Scott Randolph says, adding that Republicans like Cannon “have ideological blinders on; they don’t want to talk about the real-world effects of what they’re doing.”

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