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COLUMN

Happytown

Noisy tumbleweed Linda Stewart is back to rule the world, Alan Grayson will never stop pretending to rule the world and baseball will never really happen in Orlando. Strike!

Photo: Illustration by Steve Madden, License: N/A

Illustration by Steve Madden

tumbleweed reconnection: The unsinkable Linda Stewart is blowing her political foghorn again


“Mayor of Orlando!” she almost hangs up on us. “That’s the last thing I want to run for!” Welcome back, Linda!

Speaking of political pasts with up-in-the-air futures, we got a little tingle up our leg last week when a truncated Twitter-blip appeared suggesting that Grayson – formerly of What’s Up With Alan™ fame, before it stopped mattering – might be auditioning for a one-hour panelist gig on the MSNBC morning pout. Our thoughts wandered to present panelist and Palin-lover Pat Buchanan and prospective political cagefights; how ever would the old man survive? Answer: He would die quickly.

Anyway, according to a former aide, it turned out to just be a rumor, though Grayson did in fact play panelist for one day, and that one day was just one day before the mysterious disappearance of one Keith Olbermann from the cable network. Hmm.

Back in reality, the lack of political office once again provided no valid reason for Grayson not to air his views via a couple of e-mail blasts. In one harrowing missive written Wednesday, Grayson took aim (cough) at the “blood libel” controversy beneath which Sarah Palin is hiding 
these days.

"The headline was 'Palin Defends Blood Libel,'" his fingers rattled the nearest keyboard. "That's interesting, I thought. What else might Palin be defending? Cannibalism, maybe?"

Grayson went on to recount his own bouts with crazies during his 2010 campaign – one of his kids received a death threat the day before the health care vote, some radio jock offered listeners $100 to punch him in the nose – before leveling the blame squarely on Palin’s 
padded shoulders.

“Palin came to my district and told her people to ‘take me out,’” he wrote, adding, “We received so many threats of violence from teabaggers that we started a file.”

With that out of his system, Grayson filled inboxes again on Thursday, this time taking on the political pantomime of last week’s symbolic anti-health care U.S. House vote. Naturally, Grayson soapboxed the severe party line that made him famous in the first place, only this time the words “don’t get sick” didn’t appear on poster board because, well, nobody’s looking. “If insurance companies wanted a pony, the Republican leaders would try to give them pony,” he wrote. Wait! We want a pony! In classic Grayson form, the former congressman saved the best quip for his electronic dismount. 
Go get ’em Alan.

“You can call me partisan if you want,” he called himself partisan. “But I see one party’s leadership trying hard to solve this nation’s problems. And the other party’s leadership showing its true colors. They are callous sellouts. Always have been, always will be.”

In sort of related news, the New York Yankees are coming to town! Well, kind of. Local entrepreneur and recent Miami import Armando Gutierrez Jr. announced last week that players from the legendary baseball franchise would be in Apopka on Feb. 26 to give batting and fielding instruction to the children of Central Florida. (Registration for the event is at http://basesloadedorlando.com/workshop.) Since he said nothing about an age limit, we older kids attended the Jan. 18 press conference in Apopka, excited to hear about which pros would be there to tell us how to grip wood and handle balls.

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