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COLUMN

Happytown

Noisy tumbleweed Linda Stewart is back to rule the world, Alan Grayson will never stop pretending to rule the world and baseball will never really happen in Orlando. Strike!

Photo: Illustration by Steve Madden, License: N/A

Illustration by Steve Madden

tumbleweed reconnection: The unsinkable Linda Stewart is blowing her political foghorn again


With all the political upheaval 
of late – the jet-selling new governor, the creeping doom of a veto-proof Republican legislature, Orange County Mayor Teresa Jacobs’ iron-clad pocketbook – we’ve been in such a manic panic that we’ve almost forgotten how to stare at something funny and laugh. It gets dull gazing down the rocky edge of the abyss; sometimes we just wish a wayward tumbleweed-in-a-tiara with lipstick all over it would come rolling by and make us juice up and forget our collective misery. Well, last week it finally happened! Everybody’s favorite bawdy blonde gal (and former county commissioner) Linda Stewart announced her plans to rule the world!

Actually, Stewart’s been quietly dropping hints on napkins for a couple of weeks that she has something vaguely political up her sleeve, but on Thursday a glitter-fleck of actual news cropped up in the Sentinel, and hoo-boy, did it knock us off our asses. That just so happens to be where we keep our phone, so we grabbed it and got Linda on the horn. Literally. Talking to Linda Stewart is like being on the unforgiving end of 
a trumpet.

“I’m trying to let everybody know I’m considering it,” she squawks. “I don’t know If I’m going to do it or not.”

What it is remains somewhere between the painfully dissimilar task of running for state Senate or possibly making a go at the U.S. Congress. You might recall that, though she may have been the other Hillary Clinton at just about every Democratic event leading up to the 2008 presidential primaries, Stewart’s out-sized ambitions were slightly corrected in last year’s mayoral stakes where she was only able to pull in 19 percent of the county vote. But that’s not stopping our Linda!

“If Daniel Webster can get in … ” she picked some hay from between her teeth and invoked Alan Grayson’s stodgy old House-cleaner: “If he can do it, I can do it.”

That can-do attitude – coupled with a willingness to sing karaoke at a gay bar with us – is exactly the stuff that winning candidates aren’t made of, admittedly, but Stewart is well aware of the dark pink horse she’s riding to wherever. She’s no great fundraiser, she says (Stewart only pulled in about $130,000 for last year’s race), but what she lacks in cash, she can make up for with balls and gays (and gay balls).

“Wait til them Bible-belt people get a hold of me!” she laughs maniacally. “There’s no telling what they’re going to say to rip 
me apart!”

Anyway, 2012 will be a “whole different ballgame,” according to Stewart, because the sniveling left that decided to stay home and clean out their compost heaps in 2010 will be back out in droves for a resurgent President Obama. She’s already met with the ladies of girl-power politics at Ruth’s List and is strategically working her way up the Democratic handshake line to glory. Just don’t ask her to lower her expectations. A probably-more-attainable state House seat isn’t good enough for her red pantsuit. And local office? Pshaw.

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