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COLUMN

Happytown

Sure, you love Jesus when you're shopping. But what about the gays and the homeless people?

Photo: , License: N/A, Created: 2005:06:25 15:38:36


Just as we were heading into 
our annual tryptophan-induced slumber, preparing for the onslaught of hand-holding prayer circles of thankfulness that are de rigueur on Thanksgiving (typically punctuated by tipsy older gentlemen burping up words like “troops” and “freedom”), it was all we could do to keep our squinty eyes from darting to look at the advertisements for Black Friday price cuts on all of our favorite shiny things. This is, after all, our routine: one day of gluttony, one day of frugal reward. Although this year has been tainted by abject poverty, political deflation and more war and anger than our uncle can shake his fists at (Hello, North Korea!), it wouldn’t be the holidays without some sort of polite reminder from our friends at Orlando’s Liberty Counsel that the only war that really matters is that big old war on Christmas.

A day before Thanksgiving, the Liberty Counsel released its eagerly anticipated “Naughty and Nice” list as part of its eighth annual “Friend or Foe Christmas Campaign.” We checked the list – even checked it twice – in hopes of finding some $300 big screen TV with our mug on it, but were sadly disappointed that Liberty Counsel kingmaker Mat Staver had skipped over us for much bigger boxes in need of his not-so-quiet Christ-like judgment. Among this year’s big winners on the “nice” side: “Best Buy has embraced Christmas and switched to the nice list, and Dick’s Sporting Goods has promised to change and include Christmas in their advertising,” sayeth Staver’s press release. Somehow, Best Buy managed to invoke the name of Christ some four times within the span of just 30 televised seconds! It’s like the second coming. As for Dick’s, surely they lost points for the “dick” reference, but made up for it by selling liberal-hunting rifles, right?

Places you won’t want to shop for fear of staining that ankle-length purity dress with the blood of secularism include, well, all the places you want to shop: Banana Republic, American Eagle Outfitters, Old Navy, Garmin (your GPS won’t show you the way to the Lord, my friend), Radio Shack and Staples. EB Games, powered by GameStop, apparently tried to offer an explanation for its love of the devil – “GameStop uses the word ‘Holiday’ in this case to express that on [Dec. 25, 2010] our stores are closed in observance of the holiday season, which supports many religious holidays such as Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule and other holidays. GameStop does not discriminate against any religion and has therefore chosen neutral verbiage in this 
case ... ” customer solutions supervisor Joe Capps told a holy consumer – but as any good Christian knows, discrimination is the gift that keeps on giving.

In fact, if you’ve run out of means by which to keep giving your Christianity to those who don’t want it, the Liberty Counsel is offering a $15 “Help Save Christmas Action Pack” that includes buttons and bumper stickers on its website. This war is not over, Christian soldiers. Onward!

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