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COLUMN

Happytown

The attorney general's office wants you to die, Rick Scott wants you to remove your blouse, Publix wants a tomato in its face and Florida loves its Nazis!

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And actually, it did take a monumental, continent-wide effort for Hitler to come so close to exterminating an entire race. It took manpower and firepower alike to kill six million Jewish people. It took infrastructure, people! You know, things like trains to get them all to their final destination. Trains like the ones run by the awful, awful folks at SNCF, a French – You knew it was the French, didn’t you? No skipping ahead, kids. – state-run railroad, the same awful, awful folks who are currently bidding to bring high-speed rail to Orlando.

We’re not oversimplifying this: The same train company that transported Jews to the gas chambers during WWII might bring high-speed rail to Orlando. Naturally, that’s a PR nightmare for SNCF and the state of Florida, right? Well, not really. While it’s true that Democratic Rep. Ron Klein, who supports high-speed rail, told SNCF to shove it back in September, state lawmakers as a whole have been quiet over the bid.

But apparently, something got through to the railroad since they’ve now kinda-sorta apologized for being awful, awful folks. In a Nov. 4 statement posted on their English-language website, Chairman Guillaume Pepy expressed “sorrow and regret” over his company having once been evil death-mongers, but did add a qualification that, well, the Nazis were really 
fucking scary!

“The Nazis … directed these terrible actions, determining the composition of the trains, the types of wagons and even the train schedules,” says Pepe Le Pew. They were, say it with us, just following orders. That defense didn’t work at Nuremberg; we have yet to see if Florida has the same common sense.

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