The attorney general's office wants you to die, Rick Scott wants you to remove your blouse, Publix wants a tomato in its face and Florida loves its Nazis!
Published: November 25, 2010
It starts with a twinge in the throat, the slightest aberration like a dried- out feather or stray blond hair; you sniffle, your left eye twitches, the entirety of all humanity and its well-being disintegrate into venomous red dots inside your eyelids, and, here it comes: sneeze! That’s how Attorney General-elect Pam Bondi, she of the FOX News pedigree and hair to match, came upon us – an unexpected virus composed of varying strains of political injustice intent on visiting havoc upon the world. We shouldn’t have been surprised – though the position she was washed into should be about protecting Florida’s citizens from fraud and crime, the person she is about to replace, Attorney General Bill McCollum, has utilized his bully pulpit to fight gays and health care. Healthy gays are out to get you!
Form of: a pink bucket of water!
Turns out that Bondi and McCollum – at least for the time being – are Wondertwins; she’s just the prettier one. On Nov. 17, the dastardly duo sent out a joint plea to 13 new attorneys general and governors encouraging the budding new leadership to hop on board with McCollum’s big 20-state federal lawsuit against health care reform.
“We anticipate seeking leave of the court to update our plaintiff names and to add new plaintiff states following your inaugurations,” the two announced, each holding one hand to a keyboard (the case is scheduled for “oral arguments” in Pensacola on Dec. 16). “Having a majority of the states litigating our constitutional rights is a powerful message. … We also share your concerns about the significant impact that the federal health care law, as an unfunded mandate, will have on your state budgets.”
Wait, what’s that? The bogeyman here is Medicaid, a state-maintained system that works so well right now that any thought of improving its efficiency should be summarily dismissed, even if a recent Government Accountability Office report last week showed that the health care reform’s implementation would considerably reduce the growing national deficit over time. States’ rights! Oh, and it would help poor people – even poor single people who can’t get Medicaid in Florida right now – so fuck that!
In other Bondi news, she officially earned our (well more of our) ire last week when she somehow seduced former Democratic attorney general hopeful Dave Aronberg, who is sort of our boyfriend, into her wicked lair of transition. Aronberg will be heading up the “pill-mills” and prescription drug abuse department of her office. Awesome. Hey, Dave. Bring us home some pills. Pam’s made us a little sick.
Speaking of sick, did you know that Gov.-elect Rick Scott is a crazy bald pornographer? Well, that’s the story McCollum tried to tell the lazy public during this summer’s primary race, but Scott’s tenuous connection to Hispanics with their boobs exposed never really got any traction. The story goes something like this: Scott owns two million shares in a company called QuePasa.com, which is basically some Spanish (fly!) version of MySpace for Mexicans. QuePasa, in turn, does business with the fine Mexican iteration of Playboy via some sort of babe-of-the-week feature. Scott even bragged during his campaign that he was creating jobs through this south-of-the-border flirtation. Therefore, Scott wants to make Spanish sexytime with all kinds of Latin lovers (even gay ones – they’re allowed on the site, too!) for the rest of all time.