Happytown

Then there was the revelation of BOA’s assembly-line work of “robo-signing,” a practice in which employees spend their days signing off on foreclosure documents – some achieving speeds of one signature per second – without verifying whether the information contained within is correct. And don’t forget about the bank’s foot-dragging with the Obama administration’s Home Affordable Modification Program. According to a government report released in August, BOA is one of the banks least likely to offer alternative mortgage modifications to home-owners whose earlier modifications were cancelled (which itself was often due to lost paperwork on the bank’s part).

So on second thought, we guess it is fitting that Bank of America is giving to organizations for the homeless. Guilt, after all, is harder to evade than accountability.

Another month, another “Most-Worst-Least” city ranking list for Orlando to feel bad about. We’ve been among the meanest, the dumbest, the poorest and of course the most dangerous in years past, but Travel and Leisure magazine just added insult to the City Beautiful’s gaping head wound: We’re one of the ugliest cities in the country, they say. We’re No. 5! Your mama!

“There aren’t enough hot moms around to elevate this No. 1 family destination out of its fanny-pack dowdiness,” bullies the mag in their “America’s Most and Least Attractive People” listicle. (They also threw us in with “America’s dirtiest cities” at No. 17 for 
good measure.)

Rather than let the tears roll down its crooked nose and chin butt, Orlando has apparently decided to own its ugly – and to up the ante! Last week, Orlando International Airport broke out its spankin’-new full-body scanners in a self-flagellating effort to really bring on the self-loathing. Guys, you’ve never known true shame til you’ve seen your junk the way God intended: through an X-ray machine. (Ladies, you get a pass, as the female form registers a bit amorphously.) The Transportation Security Administration boasts that the machines work off “backscatter” technology that uses diffuse reflection to peek at your kibbles ’n bits. Speaking of bits, we’ll be filing “backscatters” somewhere between “rusty trombone” and “dirty Sanchez” in our loser lexicon. Why? Because we’re ugly.

> Email Jeff Gore, Billy Manes and Justin Strout

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