Mascot Gov. Rick Scott will be no challenge for CannonHair, the Holy Land turns 10 in secret and you'll never get high – legally – in Florida
Published: November 11, 2010
Now that we’ve had time to thoroughly digest the black feathers of the political crow crammed down our throats on Nov. 2 – a whiskey chaser helps, trust us – that whole “it’s not that bad” feeling is upon us. Let’s look at the facts: We already had a Republican legislature and a Republican governor, U.S. Sen. Marco Rubio was a statistical inevitability, Florida is full of dumb people (always has been) and now, when things go wrong, we don’t have to run to the defense of a visibly meek Democratic Party. Take a deep breath. Everything’s going to be just fine.
Except it isn’t! Just one day after ooh-rah braggadocio of the worst fraternity party ever, the incoming – and now invincible – Florida legislative leadership was already spurting out a party line of piss hinting at the jackassery it’s got up its sleeve. Future House Speaker Dean Cannon (R-Winter Park) issued the first urination in the form of an ominous e-mail to legislators on Nov. 3.
“Over the last several months, many of you have expressed concern over the impact of multiple vetoes that followed the 2010 Legislative Session,” he stopped rubbing his hands together long enough to type. “I will meet with incoming Senate President Mike Haridopolos tomorrow to discuss the possibility of a special session to address these and other issues that may be best addressed through legislative action in advance of the 2011 Legislative Session and will send additional information following that meeting.”
Uh-oh. It was enough for one unnamed Democratic political operative to nervously speculate to us that “[Gov.] Rick Scott will not be the most dangerous man in Florida, Dean Cannon will be. Rick Scott will just be their mascot.”
Aren’t mascots supposed to be fuzzy and cute? Anyway, the next day Cannon – having apparently taken his meeting with the hair of Haridopolos – issued a more detailed memorandum, outlining 10 potential Crist-penned vetoes that he wants to challenge, because nobody’s holding any grudges here. The goal, according to Cannon’s edict, is to only attack the simplest issues “that can be handled within a single day [Nov. 16] and to focus our business on remediation of problems or drawing attention to future plans.” Wait, what? The fear, naturally, was that CannonHair would go straight for the liberal jugular and knock down Crist’s monumental dismissals of the abortion-ultrasound bill and the teacher-tenure bill. That won’t be happening … for now. Instead, the November pow-wow will bring to the floor such eye-closing issues as agricultural tax breaks, Medicaid (slouching toward privatization?), tort reform and, well, septic-tank inspections. That’s just the tip of the iceberg, of course. This winter’s potential special session and next year’s regular session will be a veritable group hug for the right-wing clones. In addition to the governor’s office, Republicans now control 28 of the state’s 40 Senate seats and 81 of its 120 House seats. Tallahassee Democrats, meanwhile, will take up knitting.
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