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Drink around the world at Epcot

A guide to help you navigate the theme-park drinking adventure

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First things first: There’s a beer stand right at the entrance of this area that’s home to one of the strangest anomalies on the planet – frozen beer. That’s right, they took your frothy life-water and turned it into a Slurpee. You may ask yourself, “Self, why wouldn’t they serve it outside of Epcot?” Because it tastes like an ice-cold penny marinated in urine, that’s why. So instead, double-fist a non-frozen Kirin and a glass of sake with your pals. Take your time, though … you’re probably feeling it pretty hard right now.

Morocco

Now may be the moment when you start noticing that a security guard is following a little too closely, so dodge into the crazy maze that is Morocco and lose him like your favorite Riff Raff Street Rat. When the coast is clear, grab a Casa and get the hell out of Dodge.

France

This is such a tough stop on your journey, friends. This is where you have to make a choice: Grand Marnier and Grey Goose Orange Slush, or stick to your guns and get the – gag – Kronenbourg. If you managed to slam back the lame beer in Morocco, then you can handle this. An aside: Do not put your face on the windows of the French restaurant. It’s funny in your head, but you will end up on the internets as that weird guy from a theme-park window.

United Kingdom

You can go the easy route and grab a smooth, sweet little cider to wash down that clump of shame in your throat, or you can grab the souvenir stein. Go-big-or-go-home time! The stein will let everyone know, as if they didn’t already, that you have been drinking all day and could very well vomit on their mouse-clad baby at any moment.

Feel free to take a rest in the little park behind the shops where the fake Beatles band plays. Nobody is there to judge you. The rose bushes can keep a secret. Let it all out, wipe your chin, lighten your load. We’re telling you this is a good spot to vomit.

Canada

This is the end, friend. You’ve made it all the way around the world. Grab a Moosehead by the horns and get this shit over with. You can barely stand. Your face is flushed. You think it’s hilarious that the super-nice kid in the popcorn hut is wearing red plaid. If you hear bagpipes, get out of there: Dancing to Off-Kilter sounds like fun, but if you start hopping around to their siren call, you will end up in a severe beer coma. Instead, stagger into Le Cellier and order some cheese soup and pretzel bread to go. Sit down by the McDonald’s on the promenade and feed the ducks until you’re ready to stand up and do it all over again.

The Beer Issue
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