Drink around the world at Epcot
A guide to help you navigate the theme-park drinking adventure
Published: March 12, 2014
Sometimes you just need a drink, and one of those times is when you go to Walt Disney World. The Happiest Place on Earth can honestly be enough to drive you to drink. But after Disney razed Pleasure Island, the only place in the park left where mommy and daddy can get adequately sauced is Epcot. Eleven internationally themed areas – including Canada, Japan and France – not only serve great food, but also, more importantly … drinks! It’s one of the best beer crawls in town, and we’ve broken it down for you by nation.
Skip the Cantina and saunter over to La Cava to knock back a Dos Equis with your flight of tequila shots. Make sure to wash ’em down with that weird thimble of salsa they give you. Does that actually happen south of the border? Who cares! You’re the lord of Mexico! Leave the pyramid and start trekking to Norway. Look out for the strollers: For some reason they tend to congregate at the bottom of the pyramid. Think of it as your first sobriety test.
Now it’s time to ride the Maelstrom. You know, the ride that gently explains how Norway was once engulfed in black light until trolls invaded and then oil refineries or something. The key here is to have all your friends grab their imaginary paddles and row your Viking boat the entire time. That way, when you get to the waterfall sequence, the leader of your party gets to scream “ROW, FOOLS!” giving you and your mates the cue to paddle for dear life and cheer in victory as you just barely survive the fall. You’re welcome. Did all that troll hunting make you dizzy? We thought so. Wash it away with a Carlsberg (souvenir mug, too?), take your token “Viking helmet” picture in the gift shop and move on to the land of takeout. Pro tip: Norwegians are super hot and love drunk tourists.
I know the food smells great, but don’t eat or you’ll ruin everything! Instead, grab yourself a Tsingtao from Joy of Tea. The draft and bottle are the same price, so get the draft, dummy. Pro tip: Don’t walk into the antique or jewelry sections of the gift shop. You’ll break everything and everyone will hate you.
Ah yes, the land of schnitzel and attractive, beer-slinging International Program participants. God bless migrant labor. Well, what are you waiting for? When in Deutschland, do as the Deutschlandians do: Grab a beer! There’s Altenmünster Oktoberfest or Hövels in the Biergarten.
This is where you’ll probably want to stray from our beer-only menu, but the Moretti Italian beer is 7.2 percent ABV. So drink the beer; we’re carb-loading for the rest of the walk!
Before entering the ol’ U-S-of-A, you have to brave the drunken incline: the slightly raised uphill slope right before you reach the amphitheater. Disney clearly wanted the USA pavilion higher and more visible than the rest of the other countries, and your blood alcohol level is too high for that shit. But this is your quest, Bilbo, and you’re not about to let Uncle Sam keep you from destiny. Grab a Sam Adams, because America. It’s not the best thing you’ve had all day, but it’s a stamp in your passport.
> Email Adam McCabe and Brendan O’Connor