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Summer Guide 2012

Don'ts and Don'ts

Stuff to avoid if you don't want summer to suck

Photo: Alex Boeckl, License: N/A

Alex Boeckl


Don't have a baby
Listen, we were young once, too. We remember those long summer nights, kicking the soccer ball along the beach, blond ringlets bouncing in time with the somewhat freed, nubile flesh of a young Elisabeth Shue, Bananarama blaring from the stereo that'll eventually be the source of tension between you and the Cobra Kai.

OK, so our idea of summer breeders is entirely formed by The Karate Kid, but still, heat begets bikinis begets sweaty smooshing and so on until – whoops! – you're expecting!

Chin up, kids. It's only the first mistake of countless hundreds of others you'll make on your way to raising future Daniel-sans. And no, we don't mean the pregnancy is a mistake, but rather it's the getting or being pregnant during the increasingly apocalyptically hot Orlando summers. One of the first things you learn when you're newly occupied is never to get in a hot tub. So think of going outdoors from June through August the same way, only with inner-thigh chafing.

Remember, a typical pregnancy lasts 40 weeks, or about 10 months, not nine. So if you're bumping uglies on a humid August morn, you'll be about ready to pop when those early scorchers come back around. You think the heat makes you cranky now? Wait til you're lugging around a watermelon in your uterus while enduring the heavenly punishment of baked leather seats and tar steam. You gonna put your baby in that car oven? Maybe your mother's right about your maternal instincts, after all, huh? Is she?!?!

Save yourself the self-doubt and stickiness and fuck in the spring like bunnies and pagans do. If all goes well, you'll be set for a winter birth, which, while not exactly snowy down here, will at least invite some divine comparisons. (Hint: Take the "Mother Mary" jokes as your cue to ask for more baby supplies. They can't turn you down!)

Don't buy one of those misting bottle/fan things
It's physics: The water droplets you're spraying on your poor heat-stroked face are convex, thus magnifying the burning rays of the evil sun, hastening the onset of your sunburn and making it exponentially worse. Or not, but that's how it feels.

Don't be a redneck
Wear sunblock. Always.

Summer Guide 2012
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