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Summer Guide 2012

Doing it and doing it and doing it where?

Spots you can make hotter this summer

Photo: Jumpingsack, License: N/A

Jumpingsack


At its heart, summer is a philosophical dilemma. As children, we sought to cram as many jelly beans into our gullets and jump off as many tall things as we could, but somehow it was never enough. Now that we don't get the time off, we look at these bright, sweltering days and ask in our best Peggy Lee: "Is that all there is ... to adventure?"

But it's not. It's just that we didn't know what we wanted. And we pretend like we still don't, but we do. All of the clubbing and the drinking and the candy and the surfing ... It's all a substitute for what we're really after. 

We want to bang. All the time. Everywhere. (We also want booze, but that is everywhere, so less of a dilemma.) For some reason, though, we've confined our passions to a couple rooms, usually in our own boring houses.

But why? We are bonobos, not chimps. We want every sparkling moment punctuated by climax, followed by a short nap. Probably because this country was founded by Puritans with belts on their hats, which we guess kept their libidos from finding a way out of their hair. So public sex is still pretty taboo. Though upping the ante can make the game more exciting, sometimes you don't want the neighbors to think you're a pervert. But you shouldn't let that stop you from ferreting out some discreet public spaces where you can get it on with a modicum of privacy and respectability. Or not.

Following is a list of six spots we think are fair game for hot and sweaty public sex this summer. We've rated them on a scale of 1-5 for comfort, visibility and degree of wrongness. Browse the list, try it out, then go to our website and leave a comment letting us know if the spots we've picked helped you hit a home run.

Orlando Public Library
4th Floor - Reference Section
101 E. Central Blvd.

The thought of going at it in a library might be a cliché, but there's something about all that quiet, all those people trying to get privately absorbed in public, noses down, gazes averted ... it's a recipe for sexual tension. We recommend the desks near the law books. Most of the time, the place is empty, and we're pretty sure there isn't a lawyer or paralegal in town who wouldn't sympathize if he or she wandered in on you. The only problem is, they may ask to join in.
Besides, there's something delicious about doing it pressed against the statutes.
Comfort: (4 out of 5)
Visibility: (3 out of 5)
Degree of Wrongness: (3 out of 5)

Swan Boat
Lake Eola, downtown Orlando

Now this is what summer days were made for: The romance, the mist from the fountain, the gawking children and homeless people. Yes, everything about getting it on in the plastic pastoral park is right, except you are definitely going to jail. Definitely. Even if you do it right and borrow a swan boat at night, the new high tech fountain lights are bound to give you away. Still, there are worse things that could go on your record.
Comfort: (2 out of 5)
Visibility: (5 out of 5)
Degree of Wrongness: (1 out of 5)

Summer Guide 2012
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