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Council Watch

Billy Manes paying attention to local government so you don't have to

Item: The city approves an application for funding from the 2012 National Rifle Association Foundation general grant.

Translation: When it’s not busy lobbying the faces off state and federal legislators to make certain that every god-fearing fat person has a holster sewn into his forehead, the NRA likes to paint itself into the corner of law-enforcement philanthropy. After all, who uses guns more than cops? Dogs do! Oh, whatever. This item will throw $10,000 at the Orlando Police Department’s K-9 unit, supplying the department with dog hurdles, trainer bite suits and bite-bar sleeves, batons, electronic collars and hands-free tactical flashlights. So, basically, what we have here is the greatest party ever. Who’s bringing the pills?

Item: The city approves an award to Zambelli Fireworks Manufacturing Co. of Boca Raton for professional fireworks display.

Translation:Speaking of useless things that explode, the city has to stay on top of the audio-visual aesthetics of its terribly expensive new Lake Eola fountain. Life is hard and people are broke, but you know what? Baby, we’re a firework. The city only received one response to its bid for a regular explosives crazyperson, Zambelli out of Boca. The company will cover the city’s beloved July 4 patriotism combustion with two separate options: a 15-minute display for $27,500 and a 20-minute display for $35,000. That last $7,500 five minutes should actually include a virtual sex scene made out of twinkling lights, but it probably won’t.

Item: The city approves the use of the National Association of State Procurement Officials (NASPO – lead agency, state of Oklahoma) Contract #SW300, awarded to Physio-Control Inc. for five Lifepak defibrillator/monitor units.

Translation:Inevitably, fireworks lead to heart attacks. It’s just a reality in the PTSD world of broken people. Fortunately, the city has been on the long path toward updating its broken down lifesaving machine-fleet via an equipment replacement program. Under this agreement, the city will shell out $124,918.50 for five new defibrillators in order to make its fire department – which now handles a lot of ambulance calls – slightly more adept at shocking people back to life. Wake up!

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