Published: August 13, 2014
I’m a 25-year-old gay male into puppy play. About a year ago, I joined a pack with one Sir and several puppies. I became very close to one of my “pup bros” and became his alpha. Fast-forward nine months, and the pack has fallen apart due to various relationship troubles. My pup bro, let’s call him Fido, breaks up with his vanilla-but-open-relationship boyfriend. Having such a close bond with Fido, and already being sexual, I bring up the idea of dating. He admits he’s considered it and likes the idea but is unsure. A bit later, he tells me: “I love you, but I’m not ready for a commitment.” But a couple weeks later, he tells me that a Dom on the opposite coast wants to collar him. I’ve talked with the Dom and don’t particularly get along with him, but I have tried to respect their connection. But now it seems like Fido is using this Dom the same way he used his past relationships – as a way to avoid dealing with his own stuff. Now he’s started pulling away from me, saying that certain things (sex and cuddles) with me feel too much like “boyfriends.” His Dom also doesn’t trust me because he thinks I have feelings for Fido. (I do have feelings for him and never said I didn’t.) To really make me feel like shit, I opened Fido’s Scruff profile because he updated his pic, and his profile says he’s looking “ideally for a guy to cuddle with, laugh with, spend adventures with,” i.e., everything we used to do before he pulled away. Am I deluding myself here? I thought this was a “not yet” situation.
Pensive Upset Puppy
Strip away the puppy masks, the pack dynamics, and the various Doms and what are we left with? Just another dumped motherfucker who doesn’t know that he’s been dumped.
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, PUP, but this isn’t a “not yet” situation. It’s a “not ever” situation. Because it doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, male or female, puppy or guppy – when someone you’ve fallen for says, “I’m not ready for a commitment,” what they mean is “I have no interest in committing to you.” Fido gave you a standard-issue brush-off line, one that the hopeful, naive and deluded frequently fail to recognize. Your ex-packmate should’ve had the balls and the decency to be direct with you and gone with something unambiguous like “You’re nice, we had some good times, but I’m not interested in pursuing anything further.” But he didn’t, and as an adult person/puppy on the dating/scritching scene, it’s your job to hear, “I’m not interested in you” whenever someone says, “I’m not ready for a commitment” or “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I’m not sure what I want” or “I have to focus on my studies/work/remodel right now.”
The same goes anytime an “I love you” is followed by a “but.” When someone says, “I love you but,” it’s your job to hear, “I think you’re nice and I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t feel about you the way you do about me.”
Happily married straight woman here, just post-hysterectomy. After years of reading Savage Love, we know this is a call for us to be creative, rather than the death knell for our sex life. (Thank you!) My question: Husband is well-endowed, and sex with him has often included deep thrusting and his cock repeatedly touching my cervix. With no cervix anymore, though, I worry: Will there be enough room in my remodeled space for his whole cock? Once I’m fully healed from surgery, will the vaginal tissue, treated gently at first, stretch?
Very Agitated Generally
> Email Dan Savage