Published: July 23, 2014
I am a gay man and have been in a relationship with my GGG boyfriend for more than three years. We are in our early 20s and have a good sex life. I just discovered that he has been engaging in what can only be described as cyber infidelity. He had a secret email account, posted on Craigslist M4M and also had an Adam4Adam account. About once a week, while I was at work in the evenings, he would exchange photos and engage in conversations with other men. He claims he never met with any of them and it was just to exchange photos. He let me look at his secret email account, and there was nothing that pointed to any physical meet-ups. I asked him to delete his accounts, and he did. I understand if he wants to look at porn on his own time (I certainly do), but the quantity and secrecy of his actions is obviously not healthy. We have major life plans together, and I don’t doubt that he is committed to me. Where do I go from here, and what steps should I take to make sure it stops?
Stressing Over Cyber Infidelity
Try looking at it this way: If your boyfriend regularly stopped at a bar to have a cocktail, and people flirted with him, and he flirted back – and that’s all he did – would that constitute an “appletini infidelity”? If some guys looked him up and down in the locker room, and he looked those guys up and down back, would that constitute a “cardio infidelity”? No and no – and a boyfriend who flipped out about those sorts of interactions would be regarded as jealous, insecure and controlling. So what difference does it make that your boyfriend did a little online flirting? Is it that your boyfriend jacked off thinking about these other guys? You jack off thinking about other guys when you watch porn. Is it that he jacked off thinking about and interacting with guys he could actually have IRL? Lots of guys in monogamous relationships jack off about people they flirted with in bars and gyms, i.e., guys they interacted with and could have IRL.
Here’s what you should do: Ask your boyfriend to knock this shit off because it goobs you out. But don’t round this “online flirtation” up to “cyber infidelity” unless you want to make yourself miserable, and don’t police your boyfriend’s online activities unless you want to get dumped.
I’m in my mid-40s. About two years ago, I had a one-night stand with a 19-year-old college student who placed an ad on Craigslist looking to meet older guys for no-strings-attached fun. We had a good time. He was charming, intelligent and fun. I was surprised to learn during our conversation that he hoped to pursue a career in my profession. I gave him some advice, and we went our separate ways. Flash forward two years. We are looking for some temporary summer intern-type help, and we got a résumé from a qualified person looking for a summer job. We brought the candidate in for an interview, which my supervisor and I conducted. To my surprise, the applicant was the one-night stand. We obviously did not discuss our prior meeting during the interview, but by the brief, mild look of surprise on his face, my guess was that he was as surprised as I was. He handled himself well in the interview. My supervisor intends to hire him. I would be his direct supervisor. There would be no way around this if he was brought in for the two-or-three-month job, but our contact would be almost exclusively via email. My instinct is that our prior one-night stand shouldn’t disqualify him from the job. He’s qualified, and my colleague wants to hire him ASAP. What are your thoughts? Any red flags? How should I handle this? Should I broach the subject with him? I don’t want to insult his intelligence or even hint that I think he’s using our meeting two years prior to land a brief summer job. Again, I am convinced he didn’t realize he was going to interview with me.
Nervous Supervisor Anxious
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