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Savage Love

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You say Mr. Fortyish took your breakup with Mr. Twentyish as a sign that you wanted to be with him. If that wasn’t the case, why did you start dating him? Maybe Mr. Fortyish made a self-serving assumption about your breakup, and you had to play along to spare his feelings. But you did have a choice, SAP. And while you intend to get out of this relationship, you’re gonna have to learn to advocate for yourself or you’re gonna find yourself in this position again and again, i.e., manipulated into relationships and/or commitments that leave you feeling panicky, annoyed and unfulfilled.
As for how to break up with him, there’s no reason to tell him you’re not attracted to him. A person can advocate for herself without being unnecessarily cruel. Just use the standard-issue little white breakup lies: “I’m not ready for a serious commitment.” “It’s not you, it’s me.” “We’re in very different places right now.” And commit those lies to memory for use on any guy who starts talking about marriage and kids four months into a relationship.

One of the boys at the restaurant where I work met up with a dominant gay couple in a bar during happy hour. They told him to go to the bathroom and strip in a stall. Then one of the guys came in and took his clothing from him. He didn’t know when they would be back or even if they would be back. While he was trapped there naked (and hard), other men were coming in and out. Knowing that other people didn’t know he was in his stall gave my coworker a big thrill. My problem: This couple and my friend involved other people – without their knowledge or consent – in their domination game. I say that’s not OK. We got into an argument about it and decided to ask you for a ruling.
Coworker’s Recent Escapade Entirely Perverted

Let’s say a straight couple comes into your restaurant and they’re seated in your section, CREEP. They order, they eat, they tip, they leave. All good? Now let’s say that, unbeknownst to you, the man was wearing a locking male chastity device and the woman was wearing the key on a chain around her neck. She was dripping wet all through dinner, his cock was straining against the confines of his chastity device, and a big part of the turn-on was being in public and interacting with, say, a waiter who had no idea. Is that OK?

Of course it is – just like it’s OK for a businessman to get a secret thrill out of wearing panties under his suit at an important meeting or a sneeze fetishist to get secret thrills during flu season. The world is full of people deriving all sorts of secret thrills from all sorts of seemingly random shit. So long as secret thrill derivers keep it to themselves – so long as they don’t actively involve others without their prior consent – there’s nothing not OK about secret thrill derivation.

Bisexuals, grab your pitchforks: Dan interviews writer Benoit Denizet-Lewis at savagelovecast.com.

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