Published: March 12, 2014
There are lots of people involved in the organized kink scene who do BDSM without the sex, SLIM. For some, the BDSM is the sex. Bondage, D/s, spanking, etc. is all they require to get off. But you’ll also find plenty like you – that is, men and women who wanna do BDSM while remaining technically faithful to their partners at home.
Here’s the hard part, SLIM: Getting involved in the organized kink scene without your husband’s knowledge is going to be impossible. You don’t mention having your husband’s OK to outsource your kinks, and I can only assume that you haven’t talked about it. You need to. Because the more involved you get in the scene, the more potential play partners you’ll have to choose from. The more play partners you have to choose from, the safer you’re going to be – and the less likely you are to be manipulated into going further than you want. A guy who knows that 1) he’s your only outlet for BDSM; 2) you had a hard enough time finding him; and 3) you’re hiding him from your husband is a guy with too much power over you – that’s a guy who could, after one or two sessions, make upgrading to full sex a condition of your continuing to see him.
I have a fantastic relationship with my girlfriend. The entire time we’ve been together – nearly two years – has been marked by physical and emotional honesty and openness. We’ve recently been talking about which fantasies we’d like to try in real life. One in particular is posing a bit of difficulty. She really enjoys receiving facials, which I’ve known since pretty much the second time we had sex. She’s even more turned on by the idea of multiple men coming on her face, a revelation that came much later since she didn’t want me to think she was a freak or a bad feminist. (She isn’t!) The thing is, the idea also turns me on, which I was reluctant to tell her since I didn’t want her to think I was a creep or a misogynist. (I’m not!) But figuring out how to find a man (or men) to aid in this kink is a little tricky. Assuming there was no intercourse or oral sex – the only contact with other men would be their come on her face – what are the risks of contracting something?
Imperfect Come Is No Good
Gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia – you can get all three in your eyes. A person can contract all three orally too, but the eyes’ mucous membranes are more delicate, and the risk is greater and grosser. As she probably doesn’t want to wear swimming goggles and keep her mouth closed during her big fantasy facial, you’re gonna want to do it with strangers willing to test or with guys you know and trust. Neither option is 100 percent risk-free, but nothing worth doing is 100 percent risk-free.
On the Lovecast, Dan speaks with Irish drag queen Panti Bliss. Don’t miss this one: savagelovecast.com.
> Email Dan Savage