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Savage Love

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I’m what was once quaintly called a “woman of a certain age” who started reading your column to broaden my horizons. Some curiosities peeped their heads over the boundaries of my once happily repressed existence. I summoned the courage to join an online BDSM dating site. I got a response from a man who decided to fill me in on how things worked. He told me my name would henceforth be Sub, advised me to address him as His Majesty King Something and ordered me to phone him. This was too much, too fast and too weird. I gave him a plausible excuse for my decision not to proceed to avoid hurting his feelings. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. I tried blocking him, but he seemed to have several identities on the site. I deactivated my account. So now I’m in a bit of a quandary as to where to seek out other options – preferably options that are safer and not so ritualistically restrictive.
Fear Of Flying

“When folks first decide to explore a curiosity in kink or BDSM, one of the things I let them know is that the kink community is NOT a utopia of ultimate sexual enlightenment,” said Mollena Williams, a kinky author/activist. “The kink community is a microcosm of broader society, from the lowest common denominator to the crème de la crème.”

Sadly, FOF, it sounds like your first interaction was with a LowCom. “I wish I could say her experience is unique,” said Williams. “But it is not. The same creeps, jerks and assholes on standard dating sites are on BDSM-centric sites and will utilize the trappings of consensual kink to nonconsensually slime people.”

What Williams means by “slime,” FOF, is “manipulate, intimidate and potentially abuse.” Creepy assholes like His Majesty King Something seek out younger, less experienced subs because more experienced subs are likely to recognize his behavior as sliminess – and more experienced subs would tell him to fuck off.

So what can you do? “Block the trolls,” said Williams, “and seek out the awesome folks on sites like FetLife.com, ALT.com, iTaboo.com and BDSMfriendbook.com. A kink-friendly profile on a non-kink site is another option. ... Kinky folks are everywhere!”

You also have offline options: “She can find local events by checking out Caryl’s BDSM Page (drkdesyre.com) or by joining FetLife and searching events,” said Williams. “She can attend munches (nonsexual meet and greets), and classes are good.” Getting to know kinksters face-to-face doesn’t offer 100 percent protection, “but it’s a great way to get feedback, recommendations and warnings. Essentially, dating in the kink world is no different than the default world. ... Get to know potential partners and THEN decide if you’ve got enough in common.”

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