Published: January 22, 2014
I’m a straight 24-year-old female, and I just recently lost my virginity. I’ve had sex only three times and have found each time to be incredibly painful – even when the guy’s just using his fingers. I’ve always been extremely sensitive. In the past, I’ve had guys run their hands over my jeans, and even that hurts. I brought this up when I went to my first ob-gyn appointment, and my doctor assured me that everything was normal down there. It’s driving me nuts because I feel like I’m missing out on a big part of my life. I know a lot of this may be psychological, but I wanted to know if I am just supposed to continue having sex to the point where it becomes pleasurable?
“Although vaginal intercourse hurts some women the first time or two that they have sex, it’s usually not ‘incredibly painful,’” says Dr. Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University and a sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute. “And women rarely experience pain when it’s just fingers (unless the person is being really rough or has sharp fingernails), and especially not when someone is just running hands over jeans.”
So something is up down there, TT, and you did the right thing by seeing a doc. “It’s fantastic that she went to an ob-gyn so soon after starting to have sex,” says Herbenick. “Many women are too shy or nervous, even though it’s recommended for all sexually active women. Unfortunately, many doctors have had little to no training in diagnosing or treating vulvar pain, something that groups like the National Vulvodynia Association (nva.org) have been working to change.”
So you’re going to have to see another doctor. Herbenick recommends that you find someone who “lives and breathes the vulva and vagina in their medical practice,” and there are organizations that can help you find them. “TT can find such a health-care provider through the NVA or the International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (issvd.org),” says Herbenick. “I don’t know where she lives, but there are excellent vulvovaginal health clinics at the University of Iowa and the University of Michigan. The U.S. is really far behind other countries in the establishment of such clinics, but we’re getting there. I dream of the day when every major U.S. city has one.”
For more info on vulvar and vaginal pain, get your hands on a copy of Herbenick’s latest book, Sex Made Easy: Your Awkward Questions Answered – For Better, Smarter, Amazing Sex.
Five years ago, my wife and I decided to pursue her MFM threesome fantasy. Part of her fantasy was that the other chap have a BBC (big black cock), so we advertised and met this great guy who we’ve seen three times a year ever since. He is nice and open-minded, and we’ve become so comfortable with our BBC that we meet at our home now instead of a hotel. The issue I’m writing about is a problem with me. After our BBC ejaculates in my wife – everyone is tested and free of STIs – I enjoy going down on her, he enjoys watching me go down on her and she enjoys having me lick the interloper’s come from her pussy. The problem arises when our BBC isn’t in the picture. We enjoy talking about our dirty threesomes, and we both talk about how hot it will be when I go down on her after I’ve unloaded in her myself. Unfortunately, once I’ve made my deposit, I have zero desire to go down on her. It’s like someone flips a switch in my brain and something I couldn’t wait to do is suddenly repulsive to me. This problem doesn’t arise in our threesomes because our BBC always comes before I do. What is my issue? Is there a fix?
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