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Savage Love

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My boyfriend doesn’t see sex as a priority. When we first started dating, we had sex every day – it was incredible – but around the four-month mark, something changed. I’ve had to beg for it ever since – and I mean beg. I give him space, I take care of things on my own for as long as I can, and right around the time when I feel myself start to get really anxious, I ask for sex. And I am rejected. Only when I’m so hurt that I’m literally sobbing on the floor is he suddenly interested in having sex with me. Right then, right there. It happens about twice a month. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and would be a fool to leave him. Other than the sex, everything is wonderful. He is the best and most thoughtful boyfriend ever, but he says he likes being the one who’s controlling the sex. Maybe I am just being a colossal asshole? My problem sounds mundane, I know, but it’s killing me.

-Sexless And Depressed

Sorry, SAD, but relationship graveyards around the world are crowded with tombstones that read, “Everything was great … other than the sex.”

And this isn’t your mundane, run-of-the-mill mismatched libido problem, which is bad enough. (And, as I’ve written until my fingers are bleeding, reason enough to end a relationship.) You’re dating a guy who can get it up only when he sees his girlfriend sobbing on the floor – that’s apparently what it takes to make his dick hard – and this sobbing-on-the-floor shit goes down twice a month. I can only conclude that this is how your boyfriend likes it, SAD. He’s turned on only when you’re not just miserable but pushed past the breaking point. DTMFA.

Frequency is not a problem that improves with time. A boyfriend who wants sex only twice a month at four months into a relationship won’t want sex once a week five or 10 years in. You know what else doesn’t improve with time? Assholery. I promise you that the “wonderful” and “thoughtful” will diminish as the years fly by, and the emotionally abusive games that cause you so much pain will metastasize, spreading from your sex life to other areas of your life. The more difficult extricating yourself from this relationship becomes, the less wonderful and thoughtful he’ll become.

End it now.

I recently ended things with a guy I liked because he wanted to stop using condoms, but he balked when I said we should both get tested for sexually transmitted infections. He said he felt I didn’t trust him. I tried to explain that trust has nothing to do with it, and that if he didn’t care whether I felt safe, I shouldn’t trust him. That was the end of it. I’m not seeing this guy anymore. But what do you say to someone who conflates a request for STI testing with a lack of trust?

-Seeking Truthful Insight

“Bye.”

My husband and I have been married for 20 years, and we both also share our lives with additional partners. Rather than spend a lot of time dishing about who and how we love, I’d like to get right to my plea for support. I want freedom: to be able to live and love and talk about your actual life without being afraid that it could cost you your job, your kids, your family.

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