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COLUMN

Savage Love

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Settle this for us, Dan. Which is the bigger ask: a one-time, once-in-a-lifetime threesome or regular (and pretty damn elaborate) bondage sessions?
Ruling On Private Enquiry Required

Let me guess: Your partner is into bondage, and you’re not. But you’ve been doing the hard work of tying him/her up for months, years or decades … and the partner you’ve gone to great lengths to indulge (and restrain) regards your request for a once-in-a-lifetime/standard-issue-fantasy threesome as too much to ask.
My ruling: Regular and intense bondage sessions are the bigger ask in terms of time and effort, but a threesome, even just one, is going to be a bigger ask emotionally for most people. While the former requires patience and endurance, the latter requires revisiting feelings about monogamy, sharing your partner with another person, etc. It’s a smaller ask in terms of time and effort, certainly, but a higher hurdle in fee-fee terms.

I am a single hetero male. I had a female FWB for several months. She started dating a new guy, and he asked that she stop talking to me. That seems like a red flag. If he’d asked that we stop having sex, that would be one thing, but asking her to completely end the friendship seems like a warning sign of a controller. Am I overreacting? Does that seem like a red flag to you? Should I say anything to her?
Can’t Understand Lover’s Loss

Isolating a romantic partner from her family and friends is a red flag – that’s a classic abuser move – but asking a girl you’ve just started dating to cut off a friend she’s been fucking for months isn’t necessarily an abuser move. If he’s asking her to cut non-FWB friends and family members in addition to you, CULL, then it’s a red flag and you should speak to her. But if it’s only you, then it’s just some garden-variety insecurity on the new BF’s part. Let your friend know that you hope you can re-establish your friendship once her new BF is feeling more secure or her BF is out of the picture – whichever comes first.

Hetero, 44, female. I cannot orgasm when I have been drinking. Isn’t that the opposite problem of most women? And oh, baby, I orgasm fast and hard when I am sober. Also, what is a bad mama jama? I have always wanted to know.
Where Did O Go?

Shakespeare diagnosed your problem centuries ago: Boozing “provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.” As for “bad mama jama,” I wasn’t familiar with the expression – first guess: a Martin Lawrence comedy about a male FBI agent who goes undercover as the first black woman to edit the Journal of the American Medical Association – but the Google tells me it’s a song about something or other.

At my 50th birthday party, my older brother announced to everyone – including my new wife, our parents and his teenage son – that I used to wear women’s clothes. I was humiliated and deeply hurt. I wanted to punch him and tell all his secrets. But I didn’t. Now I am planning to humiliate him on a special occasion of his. Childish, I know, but what else can I do to save face?
Devastated In Denver

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