Published: August 28, 2013
I’m a cute, mostly straight, twentysomething, single and (safely) sexually active woman. This happens to me pretty often: I hook up with a guy, we start fooling around and we’re both really into it. I reach down, and he’s full sail. Things progress, and, as is generally the polite order of things, the lady comes first. (This isn’t the problem.) I’m not aggressive, but I’m not shy. I tell a partner what I like and how to do it. They are always happy to oblige. The thing is, after I get off, a lot of times, the guy is limp. (This is the problem.) They usually express frustration and indicate that they’re very much turned on but it’s just not working. Generally after a few times, they will stop having this problem, and we will end up having lots of fun. So I don’t think I’m doing anything “wrong” to kill the boners. I think maybe I’m just intimidating. In fact, I’ve been told so. Why does this happen and how can I reduce the awkwardness? Should I talk about it or just ignore it? And should I keep trying to make him hard? Or will that just make his dick panic worse?
Fragile Ego Males
Why does this happen? I have three theories …
Theory One: Lots of straight guys make it into their mid-20s without ever having encountered a sexually assertive woman. A woman who advocates for herself in the sack, who knows what she likes and isn’t too shy to ask for/insist on it, can come as a shock to a sheltered/indulged/entitled boy’s dicksystems. And while some deeply insecure guys (guys you wouldn’t wanna waste your time and your twat on anyway) may find your assertiveness off-putting, it may be the case that even the more secure guys you go to bed with could be thrown by their first encounter with a sexually assertive woman.
Theory Two: Guys who throw themselves into making it happen for you could be losing their erections because they’re focusing on pleasing you and getting you off. Making it happen for a partner can be hard work. A guy can get wrapped up in giving someone pleasure, slip into a more service-oriented head space, and then discover that his dick has wandered off when it’s “his turn.”
Theory Three: If you’re going home with some guy at 3 a.m. after a night of boozing, and he spends the first 45 minutes eating your pussy, he may be spent by the time you get off.
And here’s how you reduce the awkwardness when it does happen: Acknowledge the situation without dwelling on it, don’t treat it like a catastrophe and suggest taking a break – have some ice cream! Get a few hours sleep! – before having another go at it. And when you start in again, go with the impolite order of things, i.e., he comes first next time.
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years, and we’ve been living together for one. Several times a day, in passing, he reaches his hand inside my shirt and quickly grabs a boob, and then continues on his way. I could be cooking or studying or brushing my teeth, and he just digs in there out of the blue and doesn’t usually even acknowledge me before or after. In bed, he is very considerate and giving, GGG and all that – no complaints. I’ve tried to bring it up two or three times, but he gets offended, so I drop it. Do I have a right to prefer an offhand kiss on the forehead or something more affectionate and less boob-grabby? Is this typical for LTRs? Am I a selfish prude?
Groped Too Fucking Often
> Email Dan Savage