Published: July 24, 2013
I am a straight woman who has been with my fiancé off and on for 12 years. I have broken up with him repeatedly, each time after two years of being together, but we always end up back together. The two-year point seems to be when I become so incredibly soul-crushed by our sexless relationship that I have to end it. Why is our relationship sexless? He is possibly asexual, my attraction to him is limited, he roughhouses and I am afraid he will hurt me, and he is crap in bed when we do have sex. But I love him, I treasure our history and I would love for our families to merge. I essentially can’t live without him. I had the opportunity recently to get sexual attention outside the relationship, and now I can see living a life with my partner while having a separate sex life that involves other people. This is something he would never agree to. I am currently trying to examine my morals to see if I can be OK with this arrangement. It is the only thing I can think of that will allow me to stay with him.
Wondering If Faithfulness Endures
Would it be a good idea to marry a possibly asexual man you don’t find attractive, a guy who’s lousy in bed on those rare occasions when you do have sex, because you could see yourself being happy with him … so long as you can wrap your morals around lying to him for the next three or four decades?
Don’t do it.
The amount of stress that will pile up over the years – all that working to convince him that you’re not only not having sex with him, WIFE, but that you’re not having sex with anyone else either – will soon outweigh the stress of one knock-down, drag-out, open-and-honest conversation about the role of sex in your marriage. But instead of saying, “I’ll marry you, but only if I can fuck other people,” go with this instead: “Sex has never really been important to us as a couple. It doesn’t define our connection, honey, and it never has.” Then tell him that you won’t consider any sex that happens outside the marriage – so long as it is safe and completely discreet – grounds for divorce. Hopefully he’ll agree, WIFE. If not, don’t marry him.
In your response to FURFAG last week, the guy who has been in an online relationship with another furry guy who he has never met, you focused on their need to meet in person at least once (to confirm their connection) before moving across the country to be with each other. Good advice for someone in a similar circumstance, perhaps, but I believe you focused on the wrong part of FURFAG’s letter. His real problem was revealed in the last part of his letter: “Sex doesn’t hold a big interest for me, and porn doesn’t do ANYTHING for me – gay, straight, it’s like watching a sweaty, breathy anatomy class. I’ve never even masturbated. Am I going about this wrong?” That just screams POSSIBLE MEDICAL ISSUE. A 21-year-old man who is not aroused by visual stimuli and has never masturbated?
This man needs to see his doctor and get referrals to an endocrinologist and a urologist. It is not normal for a 21-year-old man to have no sexual urges. (I know the asexuals will skewer me for this, but until someone has explored all possible medical and psychological explanations for a disinterest in sex, then I have to politely disagree with their assessment of their sexual orientation. The only places in nature where you find completely asexual creatures are in hive communities where there is a queen that does all the reproducing.) The likelihood of FURFAG having a spark with his online boyfriend when they do finally meet is nil if he didn’t find that spark with a gym sock at age 12.
Get That Checked
Listen in as Dan gets drunk with NPR White House correspondent Ari Shapiro at Town Hall in Seattle: savagelovecast.com.
> Email Dan Savage