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Savage Love

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If you go for it and it ends badly, then you were definitely getting in over your head. If you go for it and it doesn’t end badly, then you weren’t getting in over your head. The only way to find out for sure which it is – in over? In under? – is to go for it. So go for it. And send pics.

I’m a straight woman in my mid-20s living in San Francisco. I have an amazing boyfriend who I’m sure will be my partner for life. However, he confessed something the other night that has me in a daze. Years ago, when he was much younger and had just moved to the city, he appeared in a gay adult film. He thought he might be bi at the time, he said, but the experience made him realize that he’s not really attracted to men. I would never leave him over this, but I’m having a hard time processing it. When we have sex, I can’t help but think about it, and it’s made it hard for me to get in the mood. I want to get past this.
Confused About Lover’s Indiscretions

You live in San Francisco. If you rule out as a potential partner any straight guy who’s appeared in gay porn, you might have to move to another city. Here’s something that might be easier than moving: Change your perspective on the meaning of sex between men. When a straight girl messes around with another girl, no one thinks of her as any less feminine. But a straight guy who messes around with another dude is seen as less masculine. The belief that gay sex is somehow emasculating, and that guys who’ve had gay sex are less manly, is pure homophobia. And this particular kind of homophobia is killing your desire for your boyfriend. Willing yourself to see what was masculine and manly about your boyfriend’s gay porn experience – he wasn’t afraid to explore his sexuality because, hey, your boyfriend is one of those completely fearless manly man types – might help you get past it. Good luck.

I’m a gay man in my mid-20s with an etiquette question. I recently met a crazy-hot guy on an online dating site who seems like a great match: tons of common interests, similar sense of humor, shared life goals. The one thing that has kept me from meeting him: He does porn. He doesn’t acknowledge that he does porn on his profile, but I recognized him. I am “familiar” with his work. I don’t mind that he does porn, but I am at a loss for how to broach the subject. I’m worried that if I let on that I recognize him from his work, he might think I’m some crazy stalker. But I also worry that if I play dumb and we do hit it off, it could blow up in my face down the road. What’s the most graceful way to handle this situation?
Pondering Online Romance Netiquette

Here’s how you handle it: You assume he is not an idiot. A porn star on a gay dating site figures that most of the other guys on the site will be “familiar” with his work. So there’s no need to broach the porn subject, as he most likely assumes you already know. Don’t stress about it. If you want to ask him out, ask him out. When he mentions his work (perhaps during a convo about your respective careers), tell him you know his work and you’ve enjoyed it, and let him steer the conversation from there. If he wants to hear about your favorite films, scenes, come shots, etc., he’ll ask.

I am a longtime reader of your column. Now that the United States Supreme Court has struck down the Defense of Marriage Act and California’s Proposition 8, what do you say to people who still think gay marriage should be illegal?
Congrats To You

“You lost; love won. You can get over it and come to the wedding and have some cake or you can fuck the fuck off. Your choice.”

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