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Savage Love

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By giving yourself a break. You were drunk, you were lonely and you were unmarried. OK, you weren’t exactly single at the time, it’s true, and you did a shitty thing … and another shitty thing … and another shitty thing. You can look on those three shitty things as unforgivable betrayals (and as prologue) or you can look at them as important life lessons you learned before making a formal and (hopefully) final commitment to your fiancée. Resolve to stay away from booze, go get tested for STIs and stuff those ill-advised, booze-soaked, pre-exchange-of-vows experiences down the memory hole.

My girlfriend of one month is a professional dominant. I was OK with it because I assumed all her clients were men. (We are lesbians.) It turns out that three different straight couples are regular clients. I feel she should have proactively disclosed this information to me. Can I insist that she stop seeing male/female couples?
The Only Woman In Her Life

You can insist on anything you like, and then your girlfriend can decide whether she’s willing to sacrifice six established clients for a controlling, insecure girlfriend that she’s known for only a month. Since building a regular clientele represents financial and physical safety to many sex workers, your new girlfriend is unlikely to choose you over six established clients. So brace yourself for the dump that’s very likely coming your way.

Hi there, faggot! Whiney dyke here! I’m queer and mostly into women, but with a severe attraction to one particular guy. We’re close friends and hang out all the time. He’s great. A few weeks ago, he came back to my place and we made out for 15 minutes before he said that he’s not really attracted to me. We made out a little more. A few days later, he told me again that he’s not physically attracted to me. We have always been really touchy, we’re shirtless around each other a lot, and I’m struggling to believe him when he says he’s not physically attracted to me. How do you make out with someone you don’t find physically attractive? Further developments: There have been two recent instances in which he moved in on a woman I had expressed an interest in. I told him off about this, and he said he won’t do it again, but doesn’t that say something about him? Is there some kind of combo of competition, subconsciously trying to keep me unlaid or voodoo connection? Am I just being paranoid?
Wants Hetero Affections Tamed

This guy sounds like a narcissistic douchebag who enjoys toying with people who are attracted to him. He sounds like a narcissistic douchebag with a bit of a sadistic streak. Telling someone mid-make-out-session that you’re not really attracted to them is cruel, getting half-naked with someone who’s into you when you’re not into them is cruel, swooping down on girls who your queer girlfriend has expressed an interest in is cruel and an asshole move. All his moves are asshole moves. Now, I’m sure this guy has lots of wonderful qualities – most narcissistic douchebags have some cause to be narcissists – and you don’t have to cut him out of your life. But you do need to be less open with him emotionally, socially and sexually. Don’t give him any more opportunities to toy with you – no touchy-touchy, no make-out sessions, no partial disrobing – and don’t point out girls you’re interested in. Or, hey, get your revenge by “expressing an interest” in girls you don’t think are hot.

This week on the Savage Lovecast: Are shrinks good for your love life? Also, how should you comport yourself when you’re the Dungeon Master and you have to watch your ex-girlfriend be some other guy’s slave? Find out at savagelovecast.com.

Dan’s new book – American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics – is available now.

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